Episode 24

Solo Podcast: Grab your pumpkin spice, a new take on "seasons"

Welcome!

In this episode I share a quick story from a podcast listener then take a deep dive into the concept of seasons throughout life, ups and downs, and how to use our brains to better engage in the here and now by being clear about the coming and going of seasons in our lifetime.

Send me a story!! story@rebeccatapiamd.com

Caveats:

  • This is a judgement free zone
  • There are no "shoulds" allowed, we live in curiosity
  • Take what works well for you, leave the rest!
  • This podcast is for informational purposes only; it is not intended as formal legal, financial or medical advice

My course "unSandwiched" is now live find out more here.

If you are finding value in this podcast, please share and leave a review so others can find it too!

Rebecca

Disclaimer: The information presented on this podcast is solely for information purposes. We do not provide medical, legal, financial, or other professional advice through this podcast and we are not responsible for any errors or omissions. It is your responsibility to seek advice from a licensed professional. Any actions you take are done at your own risk.

Transcript
Speaker:

AKG C44-USB Microphone-1: Hey everyone.

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Welcome back to another podcast.

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Episode of real conversations

about aging parents.

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This is your host, Rebecca.

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I am a little under the weather and I

really wanted to record this episode.

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So I'm going to get through

it before I lose my voice.

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, today, we're going to talk about

seasons and not kind of in the

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lifetime movie type way, but in a

different way that I think about them.

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And I think maybe helpful.

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But before I dive into that, I wanted to

share a really touching story that was

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given to me by a friend and colleague

that's been very supportive of this

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project and the podcast and the topic.

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And, the minute I mentioned to her

that I was going to be looking at this.

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As something to, create content

about and help people and

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help myself and explore this.

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She was one of the very

first big supporters of that.

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So.

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Unfortunately about a week ago, her

father passed away a rather unexpectedly.

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And she gave me permission to share this.

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Eventually she'll be a podcast

guest, but obviously right

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now, Uh, not such a good time.

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I apologize in advance.

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Some of the language in this

episode is going to be colorful.

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So this is the text message I got briefly.

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Losing my dad was so fucking hard.

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I knew he was deteriorating, but we all

believed we had a couple of years left.

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But the story I want to share

is how on top of everything my

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father was and both of my parents.

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I owe them such a debt of gratitude.

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First in 2016, my parents set

up a trust and named me as

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oldest child as the co-trustee.

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It was to protect monies

for grandchildren.

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And so happened last week when

I was there in San Diego, my

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parents closed on their property.

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And so I was able to sign all the

documents because of the trust.

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And look over everything

with my mom grieving.

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I am able to speak with the

financial planners and accountants

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regarding the finances, since

everything was set up in a trust.

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And the same binder that

held their living trust.

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Which became era.

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Revocable at death.

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My parents had their

durable power of attorneys.

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Their wills established goals

regarding life support or intubation.

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My dad who is not Uber organized.

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Very similar to me.

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I don't think enough.

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Kept all of his passwords for his

computer on his desk and had files.

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For all his insurance.

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An important belonging, social security

card birth certificate, which comes in

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handy when filling out district tickets.

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Trust me.

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Uh, his CV articles

published about his work.

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Over his career or all

in a filing cabinet.

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I was able to contact

everyone in his emails.

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And also track the move he

had already set up for San

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Antonio at the end of the month.

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So side note, just for context.

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This author of this text had

been working with our parents

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to relocate here to San Antonio.

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, where she lives.

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And since another passion of mine

is designing for aging in place and

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multi-generational design, we had

already been engaging on sort of how

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that was going to look and work out.

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So anyway, I'll go back

to the text message.

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It was truly impeccable.

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I am so thankful to him and my mom,

because I honestly see how incredibly

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helacious this process could be.

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It's one of the best gifts

they ever gave us kids.

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Even with all those factors

controlled for there are still a ton.

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Of administrative bullshit.

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And on top of all of that, you

need to be here for a grieving

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parent who is suffering.

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So that's the end of the text.

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So, um, my heart goes out to her.

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I know this is a really rough time

and I'm very, very looking forward to.

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At some day unpacking, uh, some of

these gifts that she's mentioning.

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And I wanted to really focus on that,

that I, I know some of those podcasts can

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sound kind of doom and gloom, but really.

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What we're talking about is caring

and kindness and how we can be.

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Caring and kind to our own children,

to the next generation, to the people

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that we eventually leave behind.

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And, and part of this is understanding

just what does that look like?

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And can it mimic.

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As much as you give in your

life to your own children is as

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comfortable as you want them to be

as supported as you want them to be.

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Then, you know, what does that

look like in other contexts?

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And, and can you do things now

that actually support them?

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Uh, when in times when you're

not there to support them.

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So.

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Anyway, I felt that was

a very touching message.

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And I know that this is a hard time and

we will definitely circle back to that.

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But kind of in that same vein.

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I wanted to talk about.

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Uh, season's again, not in the lifetime.

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Movie type seasons, but, but what is it?

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We kind of use that word a lot of

different contexts, so that what

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made me think of it as I was at

Starbucks this morning, and they're

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definitely fully into fall season.

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And here in San Antonio was

still running 95 to 97 degrees.

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Um, every single day, so it

sure doesn't feel like a pumpkin

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spice type of time of year.

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But for Starbucks, it is.

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And they had a sign saying this

was our 20th year celebrating

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pumpkin spice season.

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And so we've come to, to think of seasons

as defined periods of time, usually that

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are recurrent, the actual, at a MALDI

or the word season dates back to Latin.

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And it means to sew or the time of sowing.

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, not sewing as in fabric, but sewing

as in fields and agriculture.

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And, that goes back.

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To the, the rhythm of our agriculture,

that there's a time to plant

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seeds at time for them to grow.

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And the time to be harvested.

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And so when we think of seasons,

Typically there are defined period

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of time and usually recurrent.

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And, uh, so you can think of like

the back to school season, the fall

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season, the holiday season, et cetera.

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And I really think when we use

the word season, now I'm going

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to use it a hundred times.

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It's going to drive me crazy anyway.

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So when we use that word, what it

signals back to the brain is that

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there's a beginning in the end.

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And that creates some

scarcity in the brain.

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Like I've got to have my pumpkin

spice latte because that's

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the season that we're in.

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And there will be a point in which there

is no pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks.

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And so I need to get it now.

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So from marketing

perspective, Creating seasons.

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Are very important to

establishing demand for a product.

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But I think of it in a broader context

that because our brain is so used to

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that concept of other ways we can use.

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The word or the concept to help us.

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And so I think of it as, as micro seasons.

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So think about this.

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When I drive my kids to school in the

morning, My brain definitely wants to

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zone out, but the season that I'm in.

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Is that it's me and my two youngest

children, because we don't, uh, we have

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to take my other daughter's separately.

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And she, she actually rides the bus.

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And so.

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It's me and the two eight

year olds in the backseat.

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And I'm thinking, you know, what's

unique about this, that doesn't

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happen any other time of the week.

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And that's, it's just

me and it's just them.

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And there's no screen time.

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There's no arguing, usually in the

morning, there's a lot of arguing in

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the afternoon, but in the morning,

They're typically pretty calm and excited

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about whatever's coming up that day.

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And the sun is rising and that's

always the thing in the morning as we

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like to talk about that, because we

just have a really good view of the

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sunrise when we're driving to school.

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And so that 20 minute drive or so.

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Is a season within the day.

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There's very special things that can

happen just in that 20 minute period.

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There's a beginning, there's an end

and there's even a recurrence to it.

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Right.

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But when I asked my brain to

look at any situation I'm in.

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And say, what season is this?

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Even in the micro, like I said, these

micro seasons, there's just 20 minutes.

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Who's present to me.

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What's important about this?

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What am I missing?

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What, what is precious?

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And this moment.

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And this is not just like any other

quote, unquote time that what is unique

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about this situation that I might not

have the rest of this day, the rest

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of this week, the rest of my life.

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And I think in.

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Um, and some concepts, like if you're at a

wedding, it's very obvious to your brain,

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that this is something to be very present

for and to celebrate into, uh, it's,

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it's culturally highly acceptable that

this is something that we really get into

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and we spend a lot of money and time on.

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But beyond that really what makes up

our day in our lives are these little

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tiny accumulation of micro seasons.

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And so you can look at the end of the day

when you go to bed and you can talk about

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the little seasons throughout your day.

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And sometimes you have these different,

almost different fruit, different

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frequencies, so you can be having.

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A certain season at work and it may

be very different than the season

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you're having in your personal life.

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Or very different than the season

you're having with, you know,

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a friendship or something else.

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And.

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I like this idea because what it makes me.

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When it helps me understand.

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Is how fleeting things can be in

that really life is this accumulation

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of these split second moments

over and over and over again.

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And appreciating this.

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As all that we have is to be present

in whatever season you're in.

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That's the that's the

choice that we have, right.

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Is to, to become present to that moment.

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In that season.

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When I think of it in a larger concept,

not just the micro seasons, every

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20 minutes, but the larger concept.

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So when I think of this in the context of

have conversations about aging parents, I

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think one of the things to recognize is.

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First of all having our parents and that's

already kind of a loaded relationship.

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And something that changes continuously

throughout your lifetime, enter a season

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themselves, or they might need more

assistance with, uh, cognitive tasks

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or they're becoming more forgetful

or they're needing some additional

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physical support or maybe they are,

or getting a medical diagnosis of.

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Um, that that needs some additional

attention or that is scary.

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Something like that.

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They're entering a phase of life where

these things are increasingly common

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and not that it happens to everybody.

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And God knows I've seen

many, many parents.

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And there are seventies and even eighties.

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Continuing to take care

of their own children with

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disabilities or grandchildren.

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So I'm not trying to be ageist here or be

negative about this, but what's happening.

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Some of the anx is.

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That, uh, once you have somebody entering

sort of a given, we always talk about the.

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At age of life expectancy.

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So mid seventies and.

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And on a really entering a season.

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Where there seemed to be more doctor's

appointments, more uncertainty.

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About what their future health

might be or mobility or function.

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And that generating, um, a lot of

anxiety for people that care about

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them or might feel that there'll be

part of that care team for that person.

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And if the person that's feeling.

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Um, concerned about that.

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As the adult child.

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Then it also depends on

the season that they're in.

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And if you can go back to several

of the podcasts and listen to.

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People that are at the end

of their careers, and helping

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care for somebody else.

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And, and that might change

the season that they're in.

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So everything is going one way.

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And then, uh, if your parent, um,

breaks a hip or has a stroke, then.

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Um, depending on your situation

and your season may rapidly change.

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And, um, and I think that's part of the

anxiety and the frustration that can come.

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With the uncertainty in

this, in this period.

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Uh, that there's just an

ever-increasing amount of

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uncertainty as we age for all of us.

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At least with regards

to health and function.

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And that can, can be sort of a constant

backdrop for some of the stressors, but.

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I also like to think of it in a

positive way, which would be what are.

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What are the, what is the

season you're in right now?

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And I think with my parents, at least.

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They're able to travel with us

and we're still in that season.

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I don't think we'll be

in that season forever.

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Um, but we've got a couple of trips

planned with them, uh, in the fall.

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Now, as you've probably heard,

my parents are divorced, so

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I have one trip with my mom.

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And then later a trip with my dad.

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And then next year, maybe

a trip with all of us.

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I don't know.

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But, um, I'm very cognitively

aware that that that is very finite

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and we are approaching a period.

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I hope not.

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Anytime soon.

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But my own inks and uncertain

give how many more years we'll be

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able to pick up and fly somewhere.

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And enjoy that together.

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That is not unlimited.

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It's not unlimited for me

either, but this idea that I am

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constantly aware that the season.

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I'm in with my parents is that they still

have health and function and mobility.

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And that there are things that we

can take advantage of right now that

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we might not be able to recreate.

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And as a rehab physician, it's

almost like, because I get to stand

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at that intersection when, when

catastrophic life things happen.

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I see seasons change very quickly.

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With no warning.

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And, and it's like one day at

summer and the next day is winter.

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And how people have to adjust to that.

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And unfortunately for a lot of these

events or these kinds of health

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events, That winter, that set in is

winter and the winter won't change.

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And that at that function

is severely limited.

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You know, we can obviously do rehab and

try to improve their quality of life,

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but there are a lot of patients I see

that won't travel again, that will not

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get back in an airplane, um, that won't

drive again, those types of things.

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And again, I'm not trying to be a

Debbie downer, but the idea is maybe

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that helps me be more present in my

own life because I see it so often.

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And I see unexpected things happen and

it gives me scarcity in my own life.

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Like.

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Oh, my gosh, this is an unlimited.

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Um, and I don't mean this in a

way to put fear in myself and I

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don't use that to motivate me.

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It's that season thing, like

it's pumpkin spice season.

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So it's traveling with my parents

season and eventually it won't be there.

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And I think when I have that

presence, That I feel I'm living

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more authentically in more.

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In sync with realities and

understanding the periods of time

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I'm in and even for myself, right.

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Um, so you think about things you

could do 20, 20 years ago, and maybe

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that doesn't sound so fun anymore.

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And.

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And you're going to

change over time as well.

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And there's going to be buckets of time.

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Where it's really important.

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To take advantage of what you're able

to do at that time, functionally,

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whether it's traveling or some sort

of activity, maybe it's that pottery

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class that's only offered once a year.

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And it finally lines

up with your schedule.

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And so I, when we talk about being mindful

and being present to what we have, I

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think part of that is just getting sober

and clear about the season that we're in.

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And what's possible.

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And I like asking the brain that question,

because going through that process, um,

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helps you not dwell on the parts of life

that aren't going so well at the moment.

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Like what's possible in this moment.

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And just asking that question.

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What's unique about this moment, even

if, if there's pain in that moment.

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Who are you with?

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Who are the helpers, who are the

people that are helping you process or

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you're processing with somebody else?

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And what's really, really

special about that moment.

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And I really, I think a lot of mindset

is asking the brain better questions

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because the brain is highly conditioned

to answer the same questions.

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Very confidently over and over again.

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And giving it questions

it hasn't had before.

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I think.

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It's an important task that can help free

us from, from some of the brain drama.

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AKG C44-USB Microphone-2: The other

thing about seasons is that they end

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and sometimes that's also good for

the brain and you can see yourself get

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through a lot of different things in

life by knowing this is just a season.

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So whether it's.

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Um, a college class and, you know,

eventually there's going to be a

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final and you'll be done with it.

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Or maybe it's your kid in diapers.

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And, you know, eventually they

won't be in diapers, although it

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doesn't feel like that at the moment.

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AKG C44-USB Microphone-3: And if you

listen closely to some of the earlier

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podcasts and those conversations,

you'll hear this over and over again.

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Which is the idea of people

that are in the thick of it.

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Thinking to themselves that

this will eventually end.

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And of course we don't know how, or

what way or what's going to change,

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or maybe it's somebody eventually

moves to an assisted living or.

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Um, maybe they pass away

whatever that looks like.

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The brain also can engage differently

in a task when it knows, especially

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if it's an uncomfortable task that

there's going to be an end point

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to it at some, at some level.

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And so I hope this is another way

to think about things or maybe.

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Can pique your interest just in today and

asking yourself at the end of the day,

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what, what season are you in, in life?

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What are season, are you in with your

career or with your family or with

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your hobbies or with your health?

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Um, health is another one I think goes

through a lot of different seasons.

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And you can have temporary seasons.

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Like you just have a cold.

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Or you might have longterm seasons,

maybe you have autoimmune disorder or

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something that you're dealing with.

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And giving some structure

and context to the brain.

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Uh, it can really help it

conceptualize and engage and really

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difficult topics or concepts.

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And so I would challenge you, uh, at

the end of today to think about that.

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What season are you in right now?

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What's really special about this season.

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What is something you can take advantage

of today, or even in this moment

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that you can't take advantage of?

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Forever.

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And spoiler alert.

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Everything.

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Everything is temporary, right.

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And so it would be very difficult

not to find one thing in your life

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right now that isn't, this is the

best time to engage, whether that's

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a phone call or a text message.

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And.

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And I'm saying this, not from the

throne or doing this perfectly.

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I'm probably harder on myself

about this than anything, which

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is I'm not taking advantage of

opportunities when they're there.

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And I do feel very guilty for that quiet

time in the car ride with my kids and.

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I'm thinking I should be extracting you.

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Acknowledge and, stories from them.

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And then finally my daughter this

morning, she's like, mom, I just

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like a quiet ride from time to time.

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So.

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Maybe I'll stop trying to philosophize

while we're driving down the highway.

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But, but anyway, so I would challenge

you to think about this with regard

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to yourself or an aging parent.

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If that's what's in your life right now.

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And knowing that this is the season you

have, and that's really all we have.

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We can project forward and

worry about something or look

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back and regret something.

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But.

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But truly the, the season you have is

that split second, right in front of you.

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And by the end of the day, it's

just an accumulation of other split

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seconds over and over and over again.

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. As far as taking advantage.

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Um, when there's better

health, it's like good weather.

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And so when I see people towards

the end of their life, I will tell

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you they don't want more money.

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That you don't necessarily want more

time, but they want their health back.

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And so if you have a health about you,

whatever that looks like, if you're

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able to walk or you're able to go

outside those types of things, I just.

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I know there are so many people I see

day in and day out that, that they

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don't have that opportunity anymore.

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And I'm not trying to

make you feel guilty.

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I promise.

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I'm just talking about this from the

idea of health is also a season and.

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And it's something that when

you're in good health and you have.

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Function and mobility.

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Those are the times to be taking

advantage of things that require a

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function and mobility such as walking,

going to a park, traveling those

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types of things, playing with kids or

grandkids, whatever that looks like.

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And again, I'm not speaking from

the throne of doing this perfectly.

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Probably batting under 500 with this

very easily, but, but I always started

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to find ways to harness the power of

my brain and help it to improve my

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life, to improve my experience of life.

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And really the only way I can

do that is leaning into every

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:

season that I have good or bad.

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And knowing that it's all temporary.

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On the positive side.

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It's temporary.

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So I better take advantage

on the negative side.

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It's temporary so I can get through it.

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And, and using that as a way to coach

myself and to reframe things that feel

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impossible or things that feel difficult.

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Um, as this is just a

season I'm in right now.

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So anyway, I would love if you

have any stories, I've been

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getting a lot of positive feedback

from people that are having more

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:

conversations or sparking more.

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:

Uh, discussions and their

various family and groups, you

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:

could always send me an email.

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I'd love to hear from you.

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:

If you have a story you'd like to share.

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Anything you feel like a lesson

learned, please do reach out at.

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I'd love to hear from you.

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Thank you so much for

your attention today.

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I know this was a, a short

podcast, but my voice is.

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Not going to last much longer.

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So anyway, thank you

so much for listening.

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Until next time.

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Until next season when

I speak with you again.

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:

Have a wonderful day.

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Real conversations about aging parents

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Rebecca Tapia