Episode 16
Karyn: When Mom needs help and you are 11 years old...
Welcome!
In this episode we hear the story of a lifelong journey of supporting an aging parent through multiple complications and cognitive impairment. We also discuss the complexity of divorced parents, geographic distance, and the importance of self-care.
Caveats:
- This is a judgement free zone
- There are no "shoulds" allowed, we live in curiosity
- Take what works well for you, leave the rest!
- This podcast is for informational purposes only; it is not intended as formal legal, financial or medical advice
My course "unSandwiched: How to manage your mental drama about aging parents".
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Rebecca
Disclaimer: The information presented on this podcast is solely for information purposes. We do not provide medical, legal, financial, or other professional advice through this podcast and we are not responsible for any errors or omissions. It is your responsibility to seek advice from a licensed professional. Any actions you take are done at your own risk.
Transcript
. Welcome to rewind to another podcast, episode of real
Speaker:conversations about aging parents.
Speaker:I have a longtime friend here with me named Karen.
Speaker:Karen.
Speaker:Thanks for being here.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Glad to be here.
Speaker:So we've known each other long enough, and I've kind of heard your journey
Speaker:with both your mom and your dad.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And a lot of things have transpired in the last three years.
Speaker:And I just wanted to get an opportunity to sit down and speak with you
Speaker:about what your journey was like now that you might've had some time to
Speaker:reflect and look back if there's any.
Speaker:Lessons learned you can share with anybody, but before we dive
Speaker:into that, can you tell people just a little bit about yourself?
Speaker:Like where you're from?
Speaker:What kind of things do you enjoy doing?
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Um, I am originally from Southern California.
Speaker:Um, we escaped there and they are residents of San Antonio, Texas.
Speaker:Um, we love it here and he couldn't pay us enough to go back.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:Um, but we still have, you know, family and friends there.
Speaker:So we do visit the frequently, um, Um, when I was a teacher in California.
Speaker:When we moved to Texas and we moved for a job that my husband was
Speaker:offered that he couldn't refuse.
Speaker:Um, I didn't really want to go back to the classroom.
Speaker:I was having some health issues.
Speaker:So, um, I decided to try private tutoring and, uh, now that's what I do.
Speaker:I'm like mobile teacher.
Speaker:I come to people's homes and work with their kids and I love it.
Speaker:Um, I specialize in kids with special needs.
Speaker:Um, you know, ADHD.
Speaker:Dyslexia.
Speaker:Um, autism spectrum, et cetera.
Speaker:And, um, you know, it's really rewarding to be able to make
Speaker:a difference in kids' lives.
Speaker:There's nothing like one on one instruction.
Speaker:Um,
Speaker:And I was.
Speaker:Have a whole lot of work during the pandemic.
Speaker:I even had a private classroom.
Speaker:I set up.
Speaker:Um, but things have settled down now and then.
Speaker:I love, but I do good.
Speaker:I do it in my spare time is I am also a court appointed special advocate for
Speaker:abused and neglected kids through Casa.
Speaker:Um, so we are volunteers.
Speaker:Um, we spend time with kids who are in the system.
Speaker:We commit to a certain case, uh, throughout its duration.
Speaker:Typically the time period is a year.
Speaker:And our goal is to achieve permanency for the kids, whether that's
Speaker:reunification with their parents.
Speaker:If the parents have satisfied the requirements they needed to.
Speaker:Or if it's finding other placement for them.
Speaker:So I'm just finishing up a case that happened to take four years.
Speaker:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:I had no idea those engagements for that long.
Speaker:Uh, not typically.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So, so take me back to when you guys moved to Texas, what year would
Speaker:that have been, uh, would have been end of 2014, beginning of 2015.
Speaker:Almost 10 years ago.
Speaker:Nine years ago.
Speaker:Um, when did you first think that your parents were needing some extra support?
Speaker:When did you go from not thinking about it at all?
Speaker:To.
Speaker:Wait a minute, like mom or dad might need some extra intervention.
Speaker:What did that look like?
Speaker:Well, my mom, unfortunately kind of had a history of various health issues.
Speaker:She was a psychiatrist.
Speaker:Uh, she was, uh, very in, uh, intelligent and strong-willed woman.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Which served her well.
Speaker:She was the only woman in her class at UCLA school of medicine.
Speaker:And it went through some hazing there involving corpses and things like that.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Um, but I can't imagine that happening with.
Speaker:And this would've been back in the sixties or probably before that.
Speaker:Oh my goodness.
Speaker:Early sixties.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Sorry, go ahead.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:It was a different time in place, thankfully.
Speaker:But, um, yeah, and then she had a very successful practice.
Speaker:She served on the board of UCLA medicine and several other organizations.
Speaker:You know, she was someone to be admired.
Speaker:You know, it was very proud of her.
Speaker:Um, then she did, she had a back injury.
Speaker:I remember, and I was about six.
Speaker:She had to be on a hospital bed and I brought her cereal
Speaker:to eat sometimes and stuff.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:You know, I kind of became, I had to step up as the oldest child and
Speaker:take care of my younger siblings.
Speaker:Um, the back injury she recovered from that was minor.
Speaker:And she had always.
Speaker:Made it a point to focus on us kids, you know, she was a great mom in that regard.
Speaker:She had an office that was like an extension of the house.
Speaker:Separate.
Speaker:And secretary and everything, and she scheduled her hours
Speaker:so that she could be with us.
Speaker:So we got home from school, et cetera, et cetera, involved in the PTA,
Speaker:but friended the school secretary and our teachers, things like that.
Speaker:Um, and then at some point, um, they.
Speaker:Uh, you know, it's still kind of blurry, but she was given.
Speaker:Lithium for depression.
Speaker:Which was the wrong thing to do.
Speaker:And caused her, uh, Issues that included heart issues and she
Speaker:had a long hospitalization.
Speaker:After that.
Speaker:And you would have been about how old, when this happened.
Speaker:Ah, my baby sister.
Speaker:Was two are not quite two.
Speaker:Oh, wow.
Speaker:So she still had little kids.
Speaker:And it's happened.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And then my middle sister was 17 months older than her, and
Speaker:I'm four years older than her.
Speaker:So I would have been about eight.
Speaker:Six.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:So she had little, several kids under 10 and three of us.
Speaker:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So I had to step up and take care of my younger sisters.
Speaker:When she was recovering from that back at home, after a couple of years.
Speaker:My sister got meningitis at school, my middle sister.
Speaker:And I was taking care of her.
Speaker:She caught it and ended up turning into encephalitis, a brain fever.
Speaker:Oh my goodness.
Speaker:And she got brain damage from that.
Speaker:So that was really hard on her.
Speaker:And she had to kind of start over with a lot of things.
Speaker:Um, but she did.
Speaker:And, you know, she couldn't practice anymore at that point, obviously, but
Speaker:she developed a nonprofit ministry doing counseling for others and.
Speaker:She ran that from her home.
Speaker:Um, But it was about that point or a little, it was after that,
Speaker:that my mom and dad separated.
Speaker:Doctor's orders because it was stressful for her.
Speaker:Um, What about how would you, how old would you have been
Speaker:when she got the encephalitis?
Speaker:I think I was closer to 11 ish.
Speaker:So you went through a lot on medical episodes with your mom.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:In your childhood?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:And then your sister was sick too.
Speaker:Did she have any issues after.
Speaker:The meningitis.
Speaker:Um, she was okay.
Speaker:After that, she ended up having kidney surgery.
Speaker:I remember when she was in first grade.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:She had some other health issues, but your mom really.
Speaker:At the brunt of the encephalitis.
Speaker:I think her immune system was weakened already, you know?
Speaker:The other, so.
Speaker:So, so you were young and then she, um, your parents separated at that point.
Speaker:So you're still what, like middle school age.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:Let's, you know, kind of scary for us and my dad worked long hours.
Speaker:Then I left early in the morning.
Speaker:Didn't go home until nine o'clock at night.
Speaker:So we had a series of housekeepers live in housekeepers who helped raise us and.
Speaker:Um, That's a whole nother story.
Speaker:He wasn't always the best judge of character.
Speaker:We'll leave it at that.
Speaker:Um, so podcast number two.
Speaker:So, so it sounds like you were.
Speaker:I don't know, habituated or, or adjusted to that.
Speaker:As a young age.
Speaker:And then as you went into your teen years and adulthood, what did that look like?
Speaker:As far as her, her needs.
Speaker:So she was living separately, like I said, um, and our relationship was by phone.
Speaker:With her.
Speaker:Um,
Speaker:Uh, you know, fortunately she was able to still able to verbalize very well.
Speaker:So, you know, we didn't understand what was going on really just
Speaker:that she couldn't be in the house.
Speaker:And, um, but she sounded.
Speaker:Normal to us on the phone.
Speaker:Oh, so she's separated from the kids as well.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Doctor's orders because the stress was it.
Speaker:Doctor said it was going to kill her.
Speaker:Oh, almost like a sabbatical then.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:From from the family as a whole.
Speaker:So then you ended up staying with your dad and the housekeepers.
Speaker:Yes, I see.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:Go ahead.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Um, and this is supposed to be about my mom, not me, but there's a little
Speaker:background needed, so I apologize.
Speaker:I mean, this is always about us, right?
Speaker:When we're talking about our parents.
Speaker:It's about our experience of them.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So please go on.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So, um, she was able to pretty much take care of herself for
Speaker:the most part for many years.
Speaker:Um, she did have a network of doctors, um, and you know, friends in the neighborhood
Speaker:they'd grocery shop for her, et cetera.
Speaker:But a part of her condition was she had reduced immunity.
Speaker:So, um, there were contact, um, precautions that had to be made
Speaker:before without actually seeing her.
Speaker:So a lot of our business were through a window.
Speaker:Really?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So, so it was tough.
Speaker:It was.
Speaker:She living like in a nursing facility or a home or what?
Speaker:It was a small home.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Um, and, uh, you know, but it was a good ways away.
Speaker:Um, well about an hour, but in Los Angeles, traffic,
Speaker:that ends up being a waste.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It's more than that.
Speaker:Anyway.
Speaker:So, you know, we didn't have.
Speaker:A lot of time with her.
Speaker:So that was tough, but you know, we still talked on the phone almost every day.
Speaker:So we still have that relationship.
Speaker:Um, and she did really well for a while, and then she, until she didn't.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And, um, It was very difficult for us to convince her.
Speaker:That she needed help.
Speaker:Um, So through a series of, uh, fire department having to be called
Speaker:to the home a few times because she fallen or something like that.
Speaker:And they finally said she needs a higher level of care.
Speaker:She can't stay here.
Speaker:And so that was the care home that she was in.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:That was from her home.
Speaker:Oh, who was living with her at that time?
Speaker:Nobody.
Speaker:So she was having to call the fire department.
Speaker:I see.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So that then they said, okay, this is getting to be too many visits.
Speaker:I see.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Uh, we had to do some, looking to find a good place for her.
Speaker:We found an assisted living place.
Speaker:It was like she had an apartment.
Speaker:And they helped with laundry and, um, you know, meals and all of that stuff.
Speaker:Um, and that worked pretty well for awhile.
Speaker:How old would you have been when she moved into the assisted living?
Speaker:Uh, I, by that time, I was around.
Speaker:20.
Speaker:Now this, this was, this had gone on, I was in my mid twenties.
Speaker:I'd say.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So still very young.
Speaker:Have a mom that's going into assisted living.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And how was that conversation?
Speaker:Did she need much arm twisting or did she realize that she needed
Speaker:help or what was her insight into.
Speaker:Her living situation.
Speaker:It was hard.
Speaker:To convince her.
Speaker:Um, My sister and I, and unfortunately my younger sister
Speaker:by this time had passed away.
Speaker:So, uh,
Speaker:You know, I guess I was older.
Speaker:It wasn't, it was older than 25.
Speaker:Um, She had passed away.
Speaker:So it was myself and my middle sister, Heidi.
Speaker:Um, and, um, her, my mom's close friend who was her godmother.
Speaker:She was very helpful.
Speaker:Um, but it took a lot of convincing because her.
Speaker:Strength of will.
Speaker:UCLA.
Speaker:But, um, you know, and she comes from Scottish lineage.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:That's your spirit.
Speaker:I think.
Speaker:Um, but it took some doing, we finally convinced her finally found
Speaker:a place that she would accept.
Speaker:And, um, she stayed there for a few years.
Speaker:Um, it went pretty well until her health was failing more and
Speaker:she needed more care than that.
Speaker:Now where you, the medical power of attorney or did she
Speaker:not need one or have one.
Speaker:It was around at this point that she did a medical and general power of attorney.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Um, and she named both myself and my sister.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Um, to be your power of attorney.
Speaker:And my sister was an LVN and a psych tech.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So she had some of that medical insight and jargon, et cetera.
Speaker:That was helpful.
Speaker:Um, So at some point, then she needed more care.
Speaker:Um, when we had to put her in a skilled nursing facility.
Speaker:Um, she had a hospitalization in between.
Speaker:A couple of hospitalizations while at the assisted living.
Speaker:So she had to go into skilled nursing.
Speaker:And she had a couple hospitalizations from there.
Speaker:Also, she had some.
Speaker:Uh, Yes.
Speaker:Uh,
Speaker:Uh, some issues with, uh, her gut.
Speaker:Um, can't think of the name right now.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:Um, and then she had a problem with her leg.
Speaker:You know, things like that.
Speaker:Um, So we ended up having to from the hospital, she was transferred
Speaker:to an extended care hospital.
Speaker:Like a long-term acute care Altec is that.
Speaker:Exactly the word.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:The term.
Speaker:Um, and then did the skilled nursing.
Speaker:And, um, so, you know, that was difficult taking care of her there.
Speaker:Um, but you know, we were still nearby.
Speaker:We visited her frequently.
Speaker:Um, brought things to her and took care of her.
Speaker:Do you mind if I ask what the dynamic was with your dad?
Speaker:I think there's a lot of people of divorced or separated parents that aren't
Speaker:sure how things will work when one of the.
Speaker:Divorced parents needs extra care.
Speaker:Was he?
Speaker:And this is off limits.
Speaker:I respect that, but was he.
Speaker:Interested involved, supportive, uh, and the cure of his, I guess then now ex-wife.
Speaker:It was really up to us.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:It wasn't a factor in this.
Speaker:Not really.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:He is.
Speaker:Um, my father was very distant personality.
Speaker:Um, And, you know, they were divorced and that.
Speaker:Wasn't the prettiest.
Speaker:Um, you know, it.
Speaker:Fights over money, the usual stuff.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And I remember having to testify at their divorce hearing.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Oh, my God.
Speaker:Isn't that enough?
Speaker:Yup.
Speaker:Oh, okay.
Speaker:So now we're fast forwarding your, um, I guess, into your
Speaker:late twenties, early thirties.
Speaker:When did you end up.
Speaker:Starting a family.
Speaker:Uh, I was, I got married young at 20 years old.
Speaker:Um, but I didn't have kids until I was about 24.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So you already had a lot of one, yeah.
Speaker:During most of this.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I have two kids, a son and a daughter.
Speaker:And so, yeah.
Speaker:Take care of them and ready to be alive and working full-time
Speaker:and all of those things.
Speaker:You know, the usual that you have to deal with.
Speaker:Um, so of course it's a challenge.
Speaker:Um,
Speaker:So then let's see, where were we?
Speaker:Facility after the Altec.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:And, um, so, you know, Yeah, trial and error.
Speaker:We found a really good one on two was there for awhile.
Speaker:Um, And then.
Speaker:At some point, my sister had to move to Utah.
Speaker:And a few years later, I ended up having to move to Texas.
Speaker:Um, and.
Speaker:Mom had another hospitalization I remember and was put in another
Speaker:skilled nursing, but for some reason we weren't given a say so about which one.
Speaker:So that was not good.
Speaker:And it was a medic and wellness in California is called Medi-Cal.
Speaker:But it was Medicaid.
Speaker:Facility.
Speaker:And, um, things started getting really bad.
Speaker:The care was very poor there.
Speaker:Um, she was calling my poor sister up to 10 times a day.
Speaker:Because they weren't doing simple things like bringing her medication.
Speaker:You know, basic hygiene, you know, changing or that kind of thing.
Speaker:And it was bad.
Speaker:And so we're talking, you know, what do we do?
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:Um, and we can't, you know, be there.
Speaker:Um, you know, we need to get her to one of us, but how do we do that?
Speaker:She can't fly.
Speaker:It's uh, yeah, we decided Texas we'd been at the better place for her because
Speaker:we have better medical care here.
Speaker:Um, my sister lives in a smaller town in Utah.
Speaker:Um, driving would be it's 23 hours.
Speaker:If you do it straight, you know, you'd have to stop and all that.
Speaker:And, and my mother, when she was very atric.
Speaker:Um, so, so, you know, we weren't able to physically care for her.
Speaker:We needed help.
Speaker:Um, so my godmother, um, Miraculously found a company that
Speaker:has a medically equipped camper.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:I've never heard of this going on.
Speaker:Yeah, I hadn't either.
Speaker:But it turned out to be amazing.
Speaker:They were so wonderful.
Speaker:Um, so I made the arrangements, we researched a few companies of course,
Speaker:and found the one that looked the best and they sent a very compassionate.
Speaker:Um, And I liked, you know, I liked their approach.
Speaker:I liked their compassion.
Speaker:So we made arrangements for them to pick her up and me to
Speaker:fly there and meet with them.
Speaker:And I remember.
Speaker:Uh, when the, the.
Speaker:Oh, I guess it's an RV.
Speaker:Um, pulled into the parking lot of the facility.
Speaker:She was in.
Speaker:And, uh, they were getting ready to bring her out there and, um, you know, the
Speaker:place was so dismal, you know, and you could feel it when you were in the place.
Speaker:You know, Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And the staff were like, they were almost cheering that she was escaping.
Speaker:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Uh, Of course, they were curious about the RV and all that, you
Speaker:know, but they were just, they were like glad she was escaping.
Speaker:And her funding was mainly Medicaid for all the longterm care placement.
Speaker:She had.
Speaker:Or how did I know?
Speaker:And I know this can be a taboo topic, but I always there's.
Speaker:That people wonder about that, right?
Speaker:Because even if you have savings, once you go into a long-term care setting,
Speaker:if you're paying private pay, depending on your savings, it doesn't last.
Speaker:Decades usually.
Speaker:Cause, cause it's so expensive.
Speaker:So it has.
Speaker:Very expensive.
Speaker:Did y'all handle that part of it?
Speaker:Well, Laws are different in California.
Speaker:She qualified for Medi-Cal mini, even though she owned a home.
Speaker:Um, and of course when she left it, we had to clean it up, which was no
Speaker:small task and get it ready to sell.
Speaker:Um, Because it had fallen into disrepair.
Speaker:I'll be asleep.
Speaker:Um, And, and so my sister ID again, was tremendous in doing that.
Speaker:You know, she had more time than I did because I was working so much at the time.
Speaker:And, um, We finally get it ready to sell.
Speaker:And, um, it was about the time that we had to get mom out of there.
Speaker:So fortunately we had the proceeds from the sale of the house to support her.
Speaker:Once we got her here in Texas.
Speaker:Um, and we found a wonderful place, um, that took really good care of her and
Speaker:was only a couple miles from my home.
Speaker:So, and that was skilled nursing, right?
Speaker:Nursing facility, skilled nursing.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Because she had gone beyond like an assisted living level of care by then?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Her health was failing in many ways.
Speaker:She had diabetes, she had her heart issues.
Speaker:Um, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker:So she, yeah, she needed full-time care.
Speaker:Um,
Speaker:I needed help with toileting, et cetera.
Speaker:I won't go into all the gory details.
Speaker:I.
Speaker:That's.
Speaker:Um, So we found a place here that was wonderful.
Speaker:She was doing really well.
Speaker:Um, and then COVID hit.
Speaker:And it turned out that place had to be converted to a COVID only facility.
Speaker:So we had to find another place for her.
Speaker:Um, and we did, we found a place over near the medical center in town, right?
Speaker:Um, and, uh, it wasn't as great as the place we had.
Speaker:Um, but they still did a decent job taking care of her.
Speaker:Um, and then, um, during one of her hospitalizations, they found that
Speaker:she had a mass on her adrenal glands.
Speaker:Um, but they believe to be cancerous.
Speaker:And she had a fistula.
Speaker:That was going to cause set us at some point.
Speaker:Um, but she, um, she was not a candidate for surgery.
Speaker:Um, she'd also fallen and broken her arm before that.
Speaker:Um, It's because of her heart issue.
Speaker:She's not a candidate for surgery.
Speaker:So they said we need to call in hospice.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:Lots of conversations between my sister and I, and.
Speaker:Um, You know, Kind of started grieving at that point.
Speaker:Um, and the way the doctors were talking.
Speaker:It was sounded like she wouldn't have much time left.
Speaker:Uh, but she ended up having another year beyond that.
Speaker:So that was kind of brackets.
Speaker:That was under hospice care.
Speaker:That was under a different level.
Speaker:Can you talk a little bit about the difference when somebody enters like
Speaker:the hospice program, what did you notice those different either about her
Speaker:care or just, and things in general?
Speaker:What changed?
Speaker:Well, hospice was wonderful.
Speaker:They really were.
Speaker:I was Trinity hospice.
Speaker:Um, just want to give them a plug.
Speaker:They were amazing.
Speaker:And they provide nursing care.
Speaker:Um, they coordinate for her medications, um, all of those things, um, because
Speaker:she was in a skilled nursing, they provided the care to her there.
Speaker:She didn't have to go to another facility.
Speaker:You know, which was traumatic every time we had to move her.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right, right.
Speaker:Um, and, um, they, you know, provided counseling for us if we needed.
Speaker:Um, and they said, you know, the counseling will continue for,
Speaker:you know, a year and beyond.
Speaker:You know, when she passes, et cetera.
Speaker:Um, so it was, it was good.
Speaker:It was really good.
Speaker:And, um,
Speaker:The facility seemed to take better care of her, too, knowing that she was in hospice.
Speaker:If that makes sense.
Speaker:That's interesting.
Speaker:Yeah, there's probably some psychological component.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I think there was, how would you describe her quality of life
Speaker:proceeding that, that your hospice?
Speaker:I know you said you had to move and had a couple of things, but
Speaker:day-to-day what was her quality of life before she got extra sick?
Speaker:Right towards the end.
Speaker:Um, She did have several medical issues.
Speaker:Uh, she had frequent UTI.
Speaker:Um, and it seemed like when the UTI is, would hit.
Speaker:Ah, she would often go through a brief period where she'd
Speaker:have hallucinations, right.
Speaker:A lot of confusion.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:At one point, she was, you know, assisting she needed to get out of
Speaker:bed, which, you know, unfortunately she'd been bedridden for awhile then.
Speaker:Um, and like fighting with the staff being combative, things like that.
Speaker:Um, And telling all kinds of stuff.
Speaker:Fantastic stories about a plane trip she'd taken with so-and-so from
Speaker:the Trinity broadcasting network.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:Um, things like that.
Speaker:Fortunately, those were brief episodes and she'd returned to normalcy.
Speaker:Um, she also had a wound in her leg.
Speaker:That was a big deal.
Speaker:She, it turned out that basically she cotton Murcia, well at
Speaker:the facility in California.
Speaker:And had a ton of link mooned in her leg.
Speaker:Oh, no.
Speaker:Those are, those can be really hard to treat.
Speaker:Do they?
Speaker:Yeah, it was.
Speaker:So she had surgery for that and the two stuffed up.
Speaker:To a wound vac for quite some times.
Speaker:And it kept kind of reappearing every so often.
Speaker:Um, So we had to deal with that several times.
Speaker:Um, Monitoring the wound.
Speaker:Um, reinstalling the wound back, things like that.
Speaker:Um, she had her diabetes, of course, um, her heart issues.
Speaker:Um, so, you know, Physically or quality of life was poor, but
Speaker:mentally she was still sharp.
Speaker:So just hindering reading or learning new things.
Speaker:So kept in touch with you or the grandkids or?
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah, she kept in touch with all of us.
Speaker:You know, we talked on the phone frequently and we'd visit her once
Speaker:or twice a week in the nursing home.
Speaker:Of course, every Sunday, faithfully.
Speaker:And then we could days in between, depending on work schedule, et cetera.
Speaker:Um, and my husband was really great about coming, even when I couldn't,
Speaker:you know, Yeah, it was an angel.
Speaker:He says, she's my mom too.
Speaker:So how, what, what thoughts, um, drove you?
Speaker:I know this might sound silly, cause it's probably seem so automatic,
Speaker:but the, you had a lot to balance at those points in your life.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:What thoughts appear to you or came to your brain at that?
Speaker:Helped you reconcile her needs or supporting her and being there with her
Speaker:with your own needs and your own family.
Speaker:Like what.
Speaker:What was kind of your guiding light or your north star that you thought.
Speaker:That's it.
Speaker:Deep question.
Speaker:I know, I should've warned you that.
Speaker:So, um, You know, I love my mom dearly.
Speaker:Um, But, you know, that strong will of hers did result into in some.
Speaker:Conflicts at times.
Speaker:Myself.
Speaker:And my sister seemed to get the worst of it sometimes
Speaker:because she was more outspoken.
Speaker:I'm more of a people pleaser.
Speaker:My, my sister doesn't take nothing from nobody.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So, you know, we, we, we had our times now where we really didn't want to
Speaker:spend time with her, but of course that's as it is with any family.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Um, Um, We got over it and everything was fine.
Speaker:And we maintained a close, close relationship with her.
Speaker:Um, She, um, you know, had an iPad she communicated with,
Speaker:she did a lot of reading.
Speaker:Um, And, you know, then she started to decline and couldn't
Speaker:do those things so much.
Speaker:Her hearing declined, she had cataracts.
Speaker:She could, they couldn't operate on her for those.
Speaker:So her ability to read.
Speaker:Um, you know, we tried getting her all kinds of glasses.
Speaker:Um, it didn't help.
Speaker:We tried getting her hearing aid and she said it didn't work
Speaker:and wouldn't wear it, you know?
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Uh, telephone conversations became more difficult.
Speaker:Um, the staff was able to do like iPad chats.
Speaker:Sometimes, you know, Um, so that was helpful, but the only true
Speaker:communication was in person.
Speaker:I see.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So when you, you mentioned that.
Speaker:You open up conflict are going to be difficult times.
Speaker:What did you tell yourself?
Speaker:To get yourself to do things you didn't necessarily want to do or look forward to.
Speaker:What, what was the driving thought for that?
Speaker:Well, I love my mom and I knew it was the right thing to take care of her.
Speaker:And we were all she had really, you know, my sister was there, did as
Speaker:much as she could, long distance.
Speaker:But she was still in another state, you know, she visited when she could.
Speaker:So it was up to us.
Speaker:And again, I thank God for my wonderful husband.
Speaker:He was a very supportive, a true rock.
Speaker:And, you know, I have my own health issues.
Speaker:I got multiple back issues, hereditary.
Speaker:I'm sure.
Speaker:And fibromyalgia, which is a pain amplifier.
Speaker:So, um, you know, there honestly, honestly, days when it's a struggle
Speaker:to get out of bed and sometimes, um, it's more than I can do.
Speaker:And then I had anemia also, which was so severe.
Speaker:I ended up having to get six iron infusions.
Speaker:Um, at an oncology center, um, but they were tremendously helpful and
Speaker:I'm glad there was a solution for it.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:But yeah, dealing with my own health issues and working as much as I good
Speaker:at, of course I couldn't work full time.
Speaker:I was disabled, but you know, the hours I worked as a, as
Speaker:a tutor were perfect for me.
Speaker:Um, And, you know, it gave me a purpose, you know, I love being able to help kids.
Speaker:I love kids.
Speaker:Period.
Speaker:And, you know, being able to help them have the brightest future possible
Speaker:is just, you know, inspiring for me.
Speaker:And, um, you know, And I would just always remember all that my mom had done for us.
Speaker:Sure.
Speaker:Part of the fire there.
Speaker:I mean, the, kind of the, the energy that you drew upon, what is, what,
Speaker:what she had done for you and yeah.
Speaker:Being part of reciprocating that at some point, and I admired that
Speaker:she, you know, even though she had a lot to be depressed about, you
Speaker:know, all that had happened to her.
Speaker:She still did her best to maintain an optimism.
Speaker:You know, she had her ministry that she did helping others without charge.
Speaker:And, you know, she made things work.
Speaker:You know, Um, Did, did you see it modeled like.
Speaker:For your, uh, for your grandparents, did you see your parents take care of their
Speaker:parents or did you know, like, did you have any examples of that growing up?
Speaker:What that looked like?
Speaker:Um, well, my.
Speaker:My mother's parents.
Speaker:Um, My grand maternal grandmother, she got breast cancer.
Speaker:And, um, She was recovering from that was that the five-year mark.
Speaker:And then it metastasized to her bone.
Speaker:Um, They were living in.
Speaker:Ah, they were in California then.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But, um, at some point again, she ended up going back to Maine to get treatment.
Speaker:They were from Maine.
Speaker:My mom grew up on a potato farm in may.
Speaker:And, um, So she died there.
Speaker:We didn't get the chance to say goodbye to her, but she was taking care of.
Speaker:Um, My Grampy, it was my sister and I who took care of him, you know?
Speaker:He did.
Speaker:He was, he did pretty well.
Speaker:And, um, But we were the ones who kept in touch and visited him and all of that.
Speaker:Um, but he was strong and healthy.
Speaker:Would still walk, you know, four miles a day.
Speaker:Um, right up until the end until he hurt his knee or something
Speaker:and couldn't walk anymore.
Speaker:So, you know, he didn't have an extended illness or anything like that.
Speaker:He just, there was a period of like a year where he started to decline and I think
Speaker:he didn't want to be anybody's burden.
Speaker:So he kind of just gave up then.
Speaker:So it sounds like you have a lot of history with your mom.
Speaker:What about your dad?
Speaker:Uh, so, uh, my back to the grandparents, my dad's parents,
Speaker:um, we had to take care of.
Speaker:At some point also.
Speaker:And again, my sister had more time in her schedule and more training
Speaker:and, um, My dad paid her to go and take care of them as well.
Speaker:So she was there.
Speaker:Mostly she was their primary and caregiver.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Um, and, uh, so we took care of them until.
Speaker:Um, They declined so much, you know, and they, they had, um, nurses that came to
Speaker:the home and, and things like that too.
Speaker:And I remember they would get my grandfather up.
Speaker:Out of bed and basically strap him to a chair in the living room.
Speaker:You know, he couldn't sit up by himself.
Speaker:And, um, you know, she was losing her faculties and, and, um, But
Speaker:she would still, you know, try and take care of him in her way.
Speaker:Um, We'd find odd things in odd places.
Speaker:You know, that kind of thing.
Speaker:Um, but they, it was, she had always said she wanted to go before him.
Speaker:They were married 64 years.
Speaker:And the day that they couldn't get him up to go into the living room.
Speaker:It's like she knew.
Speaker:And she passed away that night in her sleep.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:And then he passed away the next day.
Speaker:Are you kidding right now?
Speaker:And then 24 hours of each other.
Speaker:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:What an interesting story in that.
Speaker:And what about your dad?
Speaker:Uh, so my dad and his illness, or, I mean, did you have any
Speaker:caregiving needs related to your dad?
Speaker:Um, Fortunately.
Speaker:No, not really.
Speaker:He, um, you know, he had those good genes of his parents because
Speaker:they were both in their nineties.
Speaker:She was 94 and he was 96, I think.
Speaker:Um, so he was in good health, most of his life, except for his knees.
Speaker:He played tennis.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:Um, you know, his knees started to give out and he had a lot of trouble with
Speaker:them, but he got around with a Walker and.
Speaker:Um, you know, we still kept a relationship with him.
Speaker:Visit him every time we.
Speaker:I came to California, of course.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:Um, he wasn't able to come and visit us, but, you know,
Speaker:we still kept a relationship.
Speaker:Um, now he had another wife by this time.
Speaker:Um, from Russia.
Speaker:Uh, she was literally a Russian mail order bride.
Speaker:Um, and not much older than I, um, so that's how that works at Sam's.
Speaker:Yes, but, um, you know, they fought like cats and dogs originally, but after
Speaker:14 years they, you know, developed a.
Speaker:Normal ish relationship.
Speaker:Um, she had some health problems.
Speaker:She had to get a kidney transplant and.
Speaker:He helped take care of her.
Speaker:Through that.
Speaker:And, um, he was still doing great.
Speaker:He got.
Speaker:He got prostate cancer.
Speaker:Um, and they didn't do surgery.
Speaker:They ended up giving him a hormonal treatment.
Speaker:That was really effective.
Speaker:It got his levels to like less than one.
Speaker:Um, so he had just gotten a good report from the oncologist, or
Speaker:we had a pacemaker put in also.
Speaker:Um, he was doing well from that end.
Speaker:He had a skin melanoma removed.
Speaker:And I, he was in good shape.
Speaker:And they had just come from a visit at the oncologists and went out
Speaker:to celebrate with some enchiladas.
Speaker:He got salmonella.
Speaker:From the antibiotics.
Speaker:And had to be hospitalized.
Speaker:He like passed out on the floor.
Speaker:Uh, my.
Speaker:Uh, stepmother called me, you know, Told me what was going on
Speaker:and he had to be hospitalized.
Speaker:You know, we rushed over there.
Speaker:Um, And they had to, his kidneys were failing.
Speaker:All his organs started shutting down.
Speaker:What year was this?
Speaker:This was just a couple of years ago.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:There's sort of been probably during the COVID time.
Speaker:Yes, it was just when COVID was just w just coming out of the COVID.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And, uh, yeah, so, and visiting was difficult in California
Speaker:because of their protocols.
Speaker:So we were limited with that, but, you know, we were able to do FaceTime
Speaker:and, and my daughter who lived nearby was able to, you know, visit under
Speaker:their protocols on a limited basis.
Speaker:Um, He so.
Speaker:He, they put him in the ICU.
Speaker:He was starting to recover.
Speaker:It was starting to get some kidney function back cause
Speaker:he had to be on dialysis.
Speaker:Um, his pancreas had shut down.
Speaker:So he became suddenly diabetic had.
Speaker:To have insulin.
Speaker:Um, and he was coming.
Speaker:He was recovering though.
Speaker:You know, he had strong health.
Speaker:It was in the family, I guess.
Speaker:And, um,
Speaker:You know, he's taking care of himself pretty well, you know?
Speaker:Um, so then he was transferred to, uh, what is it?
Speaker:Acute care.
Speaker:What's the terminated.
Speaker:Rehab.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:The longterm law, hospital and hospital.
Speaker:That's L tax or long-term acute care.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:Um, and he was progressing well there and they were at the point where,
Speaker:you know, they could maybe send him home, but he couldn't walk yet.
Speaker:He was still too weak to walk.
Speaker:And, um, she said, well, you know, he needs to have some
Speaker:physical therapy, you know?
Speaker:Um, because it, you know, I don't think I can help him with, you know, bathrooms.
Speaker:And stuff like that.
Speaker:So they transferred him then to a skilled nursing facility and it
Speaker:was there that he caught COVID.
Speaker:Sometime in the transfer process because it showed up right away.
Speaker:Um, So of course I wanted to visit him then, and we couldn't.
Speaker:Um, He was.
Speaker:Recovering from the COVID and then he caught pneumonia.
Speaker:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:And it was literally within days.
Speaker:Um, and I remember I was in to talk to him on the phone and I said, you know,
Speaker:Dad, you know, can we come visit you?
Speaker:And he says, no, he told me absolutely not.
Speaker:He said, you need to take care of your health.
Speaker:There's too many germs here, you know, I'm fine.
Speaker:Uh, in, in my daughter had come to see him and we were FaceTiming on her phone.
Speaker:And so I said, okay.
Speaker:And then that was on a Sunday.
Speaker:And then that Friday, I got a call from his wife.
Speaker:Saying, uh, the doctor say he's not doing well.
Speaker:Um, And I said, should I come?
Speaker:And she says, yes.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:After bag book the flight.
Speaker:Took off.
Speaker:The next day, Saturday.
Speaker:My, you know, it's a long flight.
Speaker:I got in around 10:00 PM.
Speaker:By the time I got home from the airport and all that.
Speaker:And I was just like, oh, I'm so exhausted.
Speaker:Um, You know, should I go or can it wait until tomorrow?
Speaker:And I was debating that.
Speaker:And I got a call from his wife who was a conference call with the doctor.
Speaker:And I asked the doctor.
Speaker:You know, and you know, his wife was really panicked throughout this.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:She didn't know how to handle things, you know?
Speaker:So she was.
Speaker:You know, calling a lot and we were, you know, making decisions
Speaker:together, that kind of thing.
Speaker:Um,
Speaker:And the doctor said, I asked the doctor, I said, you know, I just, you
Speaker:know, I just got here from San Antonio.
Speaker:Uh, you know, I'm exhausted.
Speaker:Um, is it important that I come tonight?
Speaker:And she said, yes, you should come tonight.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So, um, thankfully, um, his wife has said, you know, I can pick you up
Speaker:um, so she picked me up, we went there and I was able to, we were
Speaker:able to spend several hours with him.
Speaker:He was on a full, um, Oxville face oxygen mask.
Speaker:Um, so conversation was difficult, but he still heard and understood.
Speaker:Um, you know, he would nod and shake his head and even shrug, you know, You
Speaker:know, I asked him, do you need anything?
Speaker:Um,
Speaker:You know, how are you doing?
Speaker:And, you know, You said.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Uh, a couple of times before that, he'd kind of said, you know, is it
Speaker:time for me to go, should I let go?
Speaker:You know, And, you know, we all said, no, no.
Speaker:You know, we need you, you know, and his wife, especially, you know, I need you.
Speaker:Um, And so, you know, he thought he should keep fighting, but at this point,
Speaker:He was very tired.
Speaker:And the doctor said he was shutting down.
Speaker:So, you know, I said the things that you say to my father, You
Speaker:know, he doesn't have much time.
Speaker:You know, told him, I know he did the best he could to be a dad and, you know,
Speaker:I left him and all of those things and, um, I finally about three in the morning
Speaker:I went home because I just couldn't.
Speaker:Sit up anymore.
Speaker:And then, um, you know, Um, so my daughter picked me up now.
Speaker:I ended up taking an Uber because his wife wanted to stay.
Speaker:Um, but I, I just, I was done.
Speaker:I, my body couldn't function anymore.
Speaker:Um, and so I, when my daughter was getting ready to take me, um, the
Speaker:next morning and somewhere on the way.
Speaker:He had passed.
Speaker:So we got there and he was gone.
Speaker:And nobody had reached out to us yet.
Speaker:I guess there just wasn't time.
Speaker:So.
Speaker:I kind of said goodbye again to his lifeless body.
Speaker:And, um,
Speaker:Then watch them take him away.
Speaker:And, um, You know, we arranged the funeral.
Speaker:All of those things.
Speaker:Yeah, we had just done my mom's funeral.
Speaker:A year before.
Speaker:It was.
Speaker:Just about a week shy of a year.
Speaker:Um, And, um,
Speaker:So it was tough.
Speaker:I can't.
Speaker:I can't imagine that.
Speaker:So he went from being basically.
Speaker:Healthy and recovered from prostate cancer to how many weeks later did he pass away?
Speaker:Um, It was within, it was about.
Speaker:A little over two months, two months.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:So not, not even 90 days.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Um, and he, he got unexpectedly very ill.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:He was recovering.
Speaker:Until COVID.
Speaker:Right, right, right, right.
Speaker:And that's what ultimately.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Sadly.
Speaker:Well, I admire your strength.
Speaker:And I can hear your strength.
Speaker:From your mom and.
Speaker:Um, I know we've known each other for that for a while, but
Speaker:I don't obviously know that much.
Speaker:About your history and I just really appreciate you sharing it.
Speaker:It's an incredible story.
Speaker:At lambs to just you being a very giving person and how you use your time to.
Speaker:Um, inspire others and to look out for other people.
Speaker:And so it's as if they get to live on and what they've imparted to you
Speaker:as a child and how you've integrated that into your life right now and
Speaker:how you treat other people, which is.
Speaker:Always with kindness and, um, and I've always seen that and I appreciate that.
Speaker:And.
Speaker:And, um, it's interesting to know now where some of that probably came from.
Speaker:Which is the.
Speaker:The scars that you have from, um, having such a challenging childhood,
Speaker:and then following that up with.
Speaker:Trying to be there for everybody, which I know.
Speaker:Um, Is, it is extremely challenging to balance.
Speaker:And thank you for saying such kind things.
Speaker:Oh, absolutely.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:And it's not lost on me, that there are other health
Speaker:consequences to people that end up.
Speaker:You know, being a caregiver since they're young, young person and
Speaker:there's physical consequences, there's.
Speaker:Just other kind of rapid maturity.
Speaker:You know, he didn't really get to grow up with a normal.
Speaker:Uh, no cognitive or emotional, um, maturation process, which can be
Speaker:difficult to, so, um, thank you for what you're doing in the world.
Speaker:And then also thank you for sharing such an intimate and private story.
Speaker:My hope is.
Speaker:That people hear and listen and think through scenarios that maybe they're
Speaker:worried about, but they haven't actually come upon and you sharing
Speaker:your story, I think does help other people, um, as they move into that,
Speaker:Just before we wrap up here, do you have any partying tonight lessons
Speaker:learned or advice or advice for anybody?
Speaker:Ah, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Speaker:and just take it one day.
Speaker:One hour, one minute at a time.
Speaker:When things are tough.
Speaker:Um, And make sure to make time to take care of yourself.
Speaker:When you're on an airplane, what are they telling you about the oxygen mask?
Speaker:You gotta put it on yourself first.
Speaker:Before you can help others.
Speaker:Um, and that's difficult for me, um, because my instinct is to help
Speaker:others first, but, uh, you had to learn that one the hard way.
Speaker:Um, And just, you know, finding balance in that.
Speaker:And being able to care for yourself and being able to care for others also.
Speaker:Without going crazy.
Speaker:Well, I think we stacked up a, an extra two podcasts here.
Speaker:I think there was one about a Russian.
Speaker:What was the second one?
Speaker:Oh, the, the living or the nanny health.
Speaker:So I appreciate that.
Speaker:And thank you so much for coming on the episode today.
Speaker:I appreciate it.
Speaker:That's my pleasure.
