Episode 12

Cecilia: Estranged from Dad and reconnecting with new mindset

Welcome!

In this episode we step through breathtaking moments of Cecilia's life with her father. We talk about the pain of abandonment and the tough decisions she made as her father got more and more ill. Join me for this fascinating story of overcoming adversity to find peace in your own mind.

If you are interested in working directly with Cecilia - please check her out!

Dr. Cecilia Minano is a practicing gastroenterologist and certified trauma informed and somatic life coach. Her passion is to help people living with chronic gut issues to gain control of their debilitating symptoms and conditions so they can begin to live normally again. She has a unique perspective about how chronic stress and trauma negatively impact the mind gut connection and that by understanding these neural pathways, people can learn to track and redirect their nervous system to help their digestive tracks work more optimally and improve overall wellness. She sees her coaching work as part of a multidisciplinary approach within the medical, nutritional and functional medicine systems to help people have more resources and life skills that can help them manage their day to day gut symptoms. She recently created " The Gut Healing Solution” E-book to teach people her 3 Essential Pillars to Gut Healing. Here is the link to get your copy today. https://www.ceciliaminanomd.com/mind-body-training

Her website is www.ceciliaminanomd.com 

Caveats:

  • This is a judgement free zone
  • There are no "shoulds" allowed, we live in curiosity
  • Take what works well for you, leave the rest!

My course "unSandwiched: 5 steps to managing mental drama about aging parents" goes live on July 20th. Please see the interest list here.

If you are finding value in this podcast, please share and leave a review so others can find it too!

Rebecca


Disclaimer: The information presented on this podcast is solely for information purposes. We do not provide medical, legal, financial, or other professional advice through this podcast and we are not responsible for any errors or omissions. It is your responsibility to seek advice from a licensed professional. Any actions you take are done at your own risk.

Transcript
Rebecca:

So welcome everyone.

Rebecca:

Thank you so much for joining me on another exciting episode of Real

Rebecca:

Conversations about Aging parents.

Rebecca:

I am so thrilled to have Cecilia here with us that we met several weeks

Rebecca:

ago at a group of physicians that came together to share and talk.

Rebecca:

And when she heard what I was doing, she was very gracious to agree to come

Rebecca:

on the podcast and talk more about it.

Rebecca:

Welcome, how are you?

Cecilia:

Yes, I'm doing well.

Cecilia:

So lovely to be here and chatting with you.

Rebecca:

Thank you.

Rebecca:

So tell us before we get into your story, just tell me a little bit about what

Rebecca:

you do nowadays, any hobbies you have, what's your life looking like these days?

Cecilia:

Yeah, so I'm a full-time gastroenterologist here in New Jersey.

Cecilia:

I became a life coach about a year and a half ago.

Cecilia:

More to heal my own wounds.

Cecilia:

But as you know, once you've healed yourself, you wanna help others.

Cecilia:

Interesting things about me.

Cecilia:

Right now, I'm on my, probably my 14th parenting book.

Cecilia:

I'm trying to survive the preteen years, so, always looking to

Cecilia:

improve my parenting skills.

Cecilia:

I feel like.

Cecilia:

Frustration gets the best of me sometimes, so it's, I love to like learn new skills

Cecilia:

and then apply it in real time and hope.

Cecilia:

Hopefully I feel like I'm planting the seeds so that they will be

Cecilia:

better people than our generation.

Cecilia:

How old are your kiddos?

Cecilia:

I have an eight year old boy, 10 year old girl, and 11 year old girl.

Cecilia:

Oh, bless you.

Cecilia:

Yes.

Cecilia:

So at the present moment, most of it is related to the two daughters.

Rebecca:

Oh, yeah.

Rebecca:

So I have a 12 year old girl, so you're gonna have to ship me some of those

Rebecca:

books when you're done with them.

Rebecca:

Oh my goodness.

Rebecca:

Well, thank you for sharing that.

Rebecca:

Tell me your story about your

Cecilia:

parents.

Cecilia:

Yeah, so I think I wanted to highlight like my father's

Cecilia:

relationship, but we can go wherever.

Cecilia:

So my family immigrated from Peru.

Cecilia:

I came here when I was one years old.

Cecilia:

Shortly after our arrival, my father kind of exited out and he showed up in

Cecilia:

my life periodically over the years.

Cecilia:

And so I really had a very, like, distant relationship.

Cecilia:

I'll stay with him for probably most of my upbringing.

Cecilia:

A lot of resentment and anger and I found out he had prostate cancer

Cecilia:

maybe like seven or eight years ago, and it was like, I tried to connect,

Cecilia:

but I always felt like it just never was like a meaningful relationship.

Cecilia:

I felt like oftentimes it was more out of like, I need money situation.

Cecilia:

But what happened with the beauty of my coaching journey is, That I, my

Cecilia:

perspective about all of this and, you know, trauma and his own like journey,

Cecilia:

I think gave me a lot of compassion for myself, which then I could extend to him.

Cecilia:

And so, so that's the beautiful I, what I call my hero's journey is that, you

Cecilia:

know, I had this certain belief that I was able to open up perspective and

Cecilia:

then I feel like our last two years were so beautiful and meaningful.

Rebecca:

Well, so does that mean that you ended up being raised by your mother?

Cecilia:

Yes.

Cecilia:

So I was raised by a single mother in California and how many siblings did, and

Cecilia:

two brothers I have two older brothers.

Rebecca:

Two older brothers.

Rebecca:

Okay.

Rebecca:

So let's go back before your transformation with the life coaching.

Rebecca:

If we had to go back and pick the two or three most painful thoughts

Rebecca:

about your dad, what would those be?

Cecilia:

I think it was probably like, why am I not good enough?

Cecilia:

I felt like the reason he left was a lot about.

Cecilia:

Me as his daughter.

Cecilia:

I think the other thought which extended from that was I never felt

Cecilia:

good enough because I think there was this underlying tone that my father

Cecilia:

left, so we couldn't hold him together.

Cecilia:

So I, I think I had a lot of like self-judgment about myself.

Cecilia:

And even when I would succeed in school and I got all the accolades

Cecilia:

and people said, you're doing great.

Cecilia:

I still feel like I never felt like it was enough.

Cecilia:

And when you did

Rebecca:

have this intermittent contact with him, like maybe like from

Rebecca:

zero to 18, what did that look like?

Rebecca:

Was it once a year you'd get a card, or did you call him or

Rebecca:

who was really reaching out?

Cecilia:

It was, he would periodically show up.

Cecilia:

So we had a, my uncle, his brother, so he would have a party and like my dad

Cecilia:

would be there and we'd so I feel like his family, it's interesting because

Cecilia:

it's the same sort of household.

Cecilia:

He was younger, my father's much older.

Cecilia:

But I always looked at their family cause he was very like

Cecilia:

involved with his four kids.

Cecilia:

My cousin.

Cecilia:

And I always wondered like, why couldn't we have that same kind of household?

Cecilia:

But I feel like he in his way, tried to get us together.

Cecilia:

So every few years he just, like, we'd see each other at like this family party.

Rebecca:

And what was that interaction like?

Rebecca:

Was he asking you how you were doing?

Rebecca:

Was, was it like Nothing ever happened?

Rebecca:

What did that look like?

Cecilia:

Yeah, I think he would sit with us for a little bit and he

Cecilia:

was very a social guy, so you know, he'd spend like maybe 20 minutes

Cecilia:

with us, like, how's it going?

Cecilia:

And then I felt like he was all about like the party and the friends or we'd visited.

Cecilia:

I remember a couple of times they, my father and mother both had tire

Cecilia:

shops and we would like go visit him.

Cecilia:

And again, he was very much like, There with his friends buying

Cecilia:

beers, he would definitely invite us in to have a meal there.

Cecilia:

But it was very superficial.

Cecilia:

He never really asked about how school was, if there was any challenges.

Cecilia:

And from talking to my mother, he never really gave us a lot

Cecilia:

of funds to help raise us.

Cecilia:

And I, one barely painful moment I remember was.

Cecilia:

I think we had showed up at like my uncle's house for Christmas,

Cecilia:

and he had brought gifts for my cousins and we had nothing.

Cecilia:

And, and that was like, it was very painful.

Rebecca:

Did he end up having another family or kids Somewhere?

Rebecca:

He did.

Cecilia:

Was that, he had a, so he was what we call womanizer.

Cecilia:

He had many women and I think that's what ultimately broke up the marriage.

Cecilia:

But he did marry somebody, I think when I was like eight or 10, and she had

Cecilia:

a child, so it was like his step kid.

Cecilia:

. And we, we didn't, we didn't have a relationship with them.

Rebecca:

Okay.

Rebecca:

And so when did this all change for you?

Rebecca:

Or what, what age were you, when, when you said maybe seven to eight

Rebecca:

years ago it started to change or,

Cecilia:

So I feel like through medical school, the few contacts I

Cecilia:

got were him calling me saying like, I need money for this and that.

Cecilia:

And I initially was sending what I could But then, you know,

Cecilia:

parents influence one another.

Cecilia:

My mom was like, why are you giving him money?

Cecilia:

He's just spending it on his friends and women and and you know, I

Cecilia:

almost like was like, you're right.

Cecilia:

I have like no obligation to this.

Cecilia:

And so I sort of just the last few times before the coaching experience, I was

Cecilia:

just like, I just don't have money.

Cecilia:

Cuz at that point I was a new attending.

Cecilia:

I had all these loans.

Cecilia:

I was starting my own family.

Cecilia:

So I basically was like, I'm not, I'm not giving you any more money.

Cecilia:

And so what I'd say about that is that I probably like, as a new attending, I

Cecilia:

probably saw him maybe another one time before I really dove into like the whole

Cecilia:

coaching aspect of, oh wait, I'm sorry.

Cecilia:

There was one other really painful moment.

Cecilia:

my father and mother had become friendly, not in any romantic way,

Cecilia:

but she was sort of his, one of his only kind of like people that were

Cecilia:

helping him, cuz at this point my uncle was very sick with bladder cancer.

Cecilia:

I decided that I wanted to fly my father out to meet my children because he

Cecilia:

very rarely asked about them, and in my brain I was like, maybe he's matured

Cecilia:

and he wasn't good for his children, but perhaps with the grandchildren

Cecilia:

it would be a different relationship.

Cecilia:

And I flew him out with my mother and my brother.

Cecilia:

For Christmas and he barely engaged with my children.

Cecilia:

He decided to stay in his bedroom except to come out to eat.

Cecilia:

And at that point, that was right before Covid.

Cecilia:

I felt like that was the end of our relationship.

Cecilia:

I felt like I had given so much and it just wasn't given back and, and I, at

Cecilia:

that point I had signed off basically.

Rebecca:

So that was like Max's effort that's a lot of coordination.

Rebecca:

And how did your kids react to that?

Rebecca:

Or did they have any expectations of that?

Rebecca:

No,

Cecilia:

I think he barely engaged.

Cecilia:

They never really asked me.

Cecilia:

I think my husband he saw my pain.

Cecilia:

And even my in-laws had come to meet him and he just wasn't that interested.

Cecilia:

So.

Cecilia:

It kind of wasn't discussed more than my husband and I.

Cecilia:

And then now when I talk about it with my children, like only

Cecilia:

my oldest really remembers.

Cecilia:

I think she was maybe four or five.

Cecilia:

But I had this sort of ideology that it would all like come

Cecilia:

together and it just didn't.

Cecilia:

Yeah.

Rebecca:

And when you said you, you sought out some Life coaching

Rebecca:

training, was it specifically because of your dad or was it a confluence

Rebecca:

of medical training and other issues

Cecilia:

yeah, so I came to coaching in the midst of covid.

Cecilia:

I was like super burnt out.

Cecilia:

I think that difficult childhood I talk about helped me to

Cecilia:

compartmentalize my emotions and.

Cecilia:

What happened with Covid is I couldn't control this beast of

Cecilia:

a virus and I almost fell apart.

Cecilia:

I was waking up crying.

Cecilia:

I was anxious, changing four times a day.

Cecilia:

You know, it was just the midst of it.

Cecilia:

And, and I remembered, I'm so thankful that I had gone to a

Cecilia:

wellness conference like right before Covid, and I met a woman who.

Cecilia:

Told me how coaching had changed her life.

Cecilia:

And at the time it was very woo.

Cecilia:

And I was like, okay, I don't really understand it.

Cecilia:

But, and in that crisis mode I remembered, let me reach out to this girl Susan.

Cecilia:

And I called her and she told me about coaching.

Cecilia:

And then I started coaching.

Cecilia:

And for me, the top priority was like the burnout.

Cecilia:

I.

Cecilia:

I was showing up, frustrated and angry, not sleeping, and I just

Cecilia:

felt like I couldn't continue to work how I had in, in that crisis.

Cecilia:

And then the beauty of my journey was that when I realized the power of my

Cecilia:

thoughts, I dove in a little deeper.

Cecilia:

And my plan for that was really to heal myself and.

Cecilia:

Maybe my mom and brothers who had, had, we had all grown up with this trauma I

Cecilia:

did not imagine that it would have such profound effects to then help my father.

Cecilia:

So

Rebecca:

when you, when you say help your father, you mean help

Rebecca:

your issues with your father or you think it accident your father?

Rebecca:

Yes.

Cecilia:

No, my issues with my father.

Cecilia:

Oh,

Rebecca:

okay.

Rebecca:

Okay.

Rebecca:

And so you were coached at one point and then became a coach as well.

Rebecca:

Is that, is that how's point?

Rebecca:

That's correct.

Rebecca:

Okay.

Rebecca:

Mm-hmm.

Rebecca:

So you didn't come into needing coaching specifically because of your dad, but

Rebecca:

once you learned that skill then you were able to apply it more broadly and

Rebecca:

then probably realize there were other areas that it could totally help benefit.

Rebecca:

And I've heard you mention sort of the, the traumatic childhood that with

Rebecca:

your dad not being there and he wasn't sending any resources to help is that

Rebecca:

mainly where you're referring to?

Rebecca:

Were there other traumas that, that you felt like were, were kind of

Rebecca:

bundled up with him other than him not being there, him not supporting you

Rebecca:

guys, or maybe him coming in and out?

Rebecca:

Do you, do you point to anything else as part of that trauma?

Cecilia:

Yeah, I mean, like, we grew up in a very, like gang infested area.

Cecilia:

A lot of drugs.

Cecilia:

I have my own sexual abuse history.

Cecilia:

I think my mom pursued work to provide for us.

Cecilia:

So I think just feeling like very absent.

Cecilia:

In the household when I had a lot of emotions and not being

Cecilia:

able to really deal with them.

Cecilia:

And I'm lucky that that education was my saving grace

Cecilia:

because I gravitated to books.

Cecilia:

And so that was sort of my escape and it propelled obviously my success thereafter.

Cecilia:

But I think if I hadn't found education, I, my outcome could

Cecilia:

have been totally different.

Cecilia:

How,

Rebecca:

how did your brothers deal with

Cecilia:

it?

Cecilia:

Not very well.

Cecilia:

I mean, if you look at us emotionally, we're disconnected.

Cecilia:

I think we all learned to sort of suppress our own demons.

Cecilia:

And I'll say that I was the only one to attend my father's

Cecilia:

funeral, and I don't blame anyone.

Cecilia:

Different reasons for that.

Cecilia:

But I think I was gonna be in the same vein had I not had coaching,

Cecilia:

like I would've heard dad pass and that would've been it.

Cecilia:

And for

Rebecca:

our listeners, I don't know a lot about life coaching.

Rebecca:

Can you just give them a, a one minute orientation to what we're talking

Rebecca:

about as far as when you said the power of thoughts, those types of things.

Rebecca:

Yeah.

Rebecca:

So

Cecilia:

I think life coaching teaches you to open up your perspective because

Cecilia:

what happens when you've had trauma, especially you develop these thought

Cecilia:

errors and so you start to believe these patterns about yourself, like the

Cecilia:

belief that I wasn't good enough, right?

Cecilia:

If you talked to an outsider, they would be like, oh my God, you grew up in that

Cecilia:

and look how successful you've been.

Cecilia:

But I was still at the top of my, like, the pinnacle of my career and still

Cecilia:

had beliefs that I wasn't good enough.

Cecilia:

And so coaching is where you talk with a person or you know, a group call and

Cecilia:

you're really unburden yourself of these beliefs, and then you start to realize

Cecilia:

like, wait a minute, if somebody else in that situation could think something

Cecilia:

different, like you realize that that's just a story and a pattern you've had.

Cecilia:

And you can change your story.

Cecilia:

So for me, I used to believe, I was like this victim of like all these horrible

Cecilia:

things and now I realize like, yeah, although I wish I had never gone through

Cecilia:

them, this is how I'm like a hero or heroine and all the gifts that I came out

Cecilia:

of that traumatic growth, I would say.

Cecilia:

So

Rebecca:

what's your news story after the thought work?

Cecilia:

Yeah, I think I think those traumas and chronic stresses are sort

Cecilia:

of, I look at them as like strengths of myself to connect with people

Cecilia:

who've been through difficult times.

Cecilia:

I, I tend to have a lot more empathy and compassion for people and.

Cecilia:

I think my future is to, cuz I do gastroenterology, is I try to drop

Cecilia:

nuggets in my day-to-day practice.

Cecilia:

But we'll talk about coaching, but I think so much is connected with the

Cecilia:

mind and body and I try to have people open up perspective that, yes, while

Cecilia:

you're ruling things out with diagnostic testing, Let's work on you and self-care.

Cecilia:

And perhaps some of these sensations you are experiencing are emotional

Cecilia:

burdens or stresses or traumas that no one's ever discussed.

Cecilia:

And you know, the model of medicine is like we have to

Cecilia:

rule out all these diseases.

Cecilia:

You have a certain timeframe.

Cecilia:

So we don't really have the capacity to really delve deeper into these topics.

Cecilia:

So this is sort of where I see my second.

Cecilia:

Portion of my career, like I had to go through all this so that I can help people

Cecilia:

who perhaps can share with similar, you know, aspects of my upbringing and realize

Cecilia:

like I can overcome this, I can change, I can be a light despite all this darkness.

Cecilia:

Wow.

Rebecca:

Wow.

Rebecca:

Thank you.

Rebecca:

Thank you for sharing that.

Rebecca:

I mean, just sharing it now I think is, is gonna help people.

Rebecca:

When, when you talk about the, when we first met, I don't know if you

Rebecca:

remember this, but you looked at me and you said, you know, through coaching,

Rebecca:

that was the only way I was able to forgive my father before he died.

Rebecca:

And it was such a profound statement and that's when I knew

Rebecca:

I really wanted to talk to you.

Rebecca:

So can you walk me through, So you acquired the skill you wrote a new

Rebecca:

story, which you just shared, but specifically with regard to your

Rebecca:

father, what new thought did you adopt?

Rebecca:

And what did that lead to?

Cecilia:

I think through coaching, it started in my journey of reframing

Cecilia:

thoughts that I wasn't this victim, that I had a lot of strengths.

Cecilia:

, I could love myself.

Cecilia:

And then I started diving into somatic work because as you, I'm

Cecilia:

sure you know, a lot of trauma, we have to, we can't just thought swab.

Cecilia:

You have to really go into your body and release and unburden.

Cecilia:

And so for me, I had to do a lot of my own healing and I had a lot more compassion.

Cecilia:

Like I used to think I just wasn't good enough.

Cecilia:

And now I can look at my inner child and just say, oh, she's just afraid.

Cecilia:

Like she didn't have.

Cecilia:

This nurturing relationship growing up.

Cecilia:

So it's no wonder she, this part of me believes that she's never good enough.

Cecilia:

And so I've learned to have more compassion for myself, and it's through

Cecilia:

that journey that I could then look at my father and remember that his parents

Cecilia:

died when he was around eight years old, and he grew up around the streets.

Cecilia:

He lived with an uncle, like he also never had a really loving relationship.

Cecilia:

And so, For me, I was able to see him as this like broken man that

Cecilia:

had his own inner demons and that he probably suffered his own trauma.

Cecilia:

That I'll never know, but I had a lot more compassion for him and it wasn't to say

Cecilia:

he still wasn't a good father in my eyes.

Cecilia:

But I didn't tie it to myself like it wasn't because of

Cecilia:

me that he had been absent.

Cecilia:

I saw him as like an his own person and that we were both like

Cecilia:

traumatized people and I wanted his last sort of chapter to be.

Cecilia:

More cohesive and loved despite all the things of the cancer diagnosis

Cecilia:

and the history we had had together.

Cecilia:

I wanted to give him peace in tho those last chapters.

Cecilia:

Why did

Rebecca:

you want that?

Cecilia:

Because I wanted him to stop suffering.

Cecilia:

That was how I viewed it, and so my belief was, I'm here to

Cecilia:

love my dad no matter what.

Rebecca:

And, and that helped you to do was that a discussion

Rebecca:

you had with him one day?

Rebecca:

Was that you just did he live close to you?

Rebecca:

Like what did that look like?

Cecilia:

So no.

Cecilia:

I think I had gotten a lot of cultural messaging that you're the

Cecilia:

daughter you should take him on.

Cecilia:

But the reality is that I'm the full-time worker.

Cecilia:

My husband is home.

Cecilia:

He never made it an.

Cecilia:

Attempt to get to know my children.

Cecilia:

So I just felt like that's their story.

Cecilia:

And thankfully for coaching, I, who knows, I might have been like, sucked

Cecilia:

into taking care of him for me.

Cecilia:

I felt like I, that was a no boundary.

Cecilia:

And so what it looked like was he ended up moving in with my mom and brother in

Cecilia:

California and I was helping send money to take care of him and unfortunately,

Cecilia:

his medical condition declined.

Cecilia:

And both my brother and mom worked, so it became an , safety issue that

Cecilia:

he was like leaving the stove on.

Cecilia:

He, the house almost burned down one time, and so I saw in my mom, like

Cecilia:

her almost collapsing because she couldn't like, manage him and he was not

Cecilia:

like, he was like, we're not married.

Cecilia:

You don't listen, , I don't listen to you and.

Cecilia:

And then the family that was like pushing me to take him on, it seemed

Cecilia:

like no one wanted to take him on.

Cecilia:

He had burned bridges across and then the ex-wife, who knows what happened to her.

Cecilia:

And so, I made a decision that.

Cecilia:

He needed to go back to our home country of Peru and I would be able to

Cecilia:

provide for him even better with aids.

Cecilia:

And you know, the other issue was like he wasn't eating and he expected these meals

Cecilia:

prepared and that just wasn't the reality.

Cecilia:

So I basically through my cousin helped me.

Cecilia:

We connected with my aunt.

Cecilia:

In Peru and she had a extra bedroom there and she was home

Cecilia:

for her own cancer diagnosis.

Cecilia:

And so I was sending money every month to help to take care of his

Cecilia:

food, all his medications, et cetera.

Cecilia:

And for me, that was like enough of like him being well cared for and

Cecilia:

being with family who he loved and giving the foods he needed and like

Cecilia:

20 hour care, like he was never alone.

Rebecca:

What was your relationship like?

Rebecca:

Was this like transactional, like you were kind of managing around him and sending

Rebecca:

money, but did y'all actually connect to like in a conversation or you mean you

Rebecca:

thought about him differently and you, you did things differently, but it was always

Rebecca:

the same, like he wasn't really engaged.

Cecilia:

Well, no, I called him probably more so once he was sent to, went over.

Cecilia:

Because he had this belief that we, everybody was abandoning him.

Cecilia:

And I was trying to say, , no, the perspective is we can

Cecilia:

care for you better there.

Cecilia:

And so I was probably talking to him like twice a week at that point.

Cecilia:

Like via, like WhatsApp or, you know, telegram, I think was the latest one.

Rebecca:

And what were those conversations like?

Rebecca:

Was he.

Rebecca:

Considerate.

Rebecca:

Was he upset?

Rebecca:

Was he

Cecilia:

It was a mixed bag.

Cecilia:

Honestly.

Cecilia:

Some days he didn't really wanna engage with me.

Cecilia:

It was like, I feel abandoned, I feel alone, I wanna go back.

Cecilia:

And I just kept saying like, you can come back, but there's, you're not

Cecilia:

gonna get this same level of care.

Cecilia:

Like, I just felt like, I would find out he like died on the street or

Cecilia:

he would've burned down this house.

Cecilia:

So for me, I just didn't want him to come back.

Cecilia:

And then he actually saved up some of the money I sent him.

Cecilia:

That's a whole nother story.

Cecilia:

And came back and his, he declined even wrapped more rapid.

Cecilia:

Like he came walking and then he was basically like wheelchair bound because

Cecilia:

he wasn't getting the adequate nutrition.

Cecilia:

Nobody was caring for him.

Cecilia:

He would like wander off to friends and be gone for days.

Cecilia:

So I think that was sort of the last time when he realized,

Cecilia:

no, I have better care in Peru.

Cecilia:

But in the meantime, those conversations were like twice, two, about twice a week.

Cecilia:

And they were from anywhere from him crying about how painful

Cecilia:

his cancer and the bones was.

Cecilia:

Anywhere from like plea.

Cecilia:

He did like a couple times tell me how he was sorry for not being a good father.

Cecilia:

A few times were about, we started talking about like his own childhood and his, the

Cecilia:

town he grew up in and his close friend.

Cecilia:

So it was really a nice time for us to sort of get to know each other in ways

Cecilia:

that I had never experienced before.

Rebecca:

I'm sure it struck you that he was saying he felt lonely and

Rebecca:

abandoned, and that's exactly how his family felt for most of their existence.

Rebecca:

Right.

Rebecca:

And so this was somebody who wanted to be cared for and looked after and supported.

Rebecca:

But and I'm not going anywhere with this.

Rebecca:

I don't have a, a final point other than observing how that must

Rebecca:

feel when that's, that actually was your reality and experience.

Rebecca:

Being alone and abandoned.

Rebecca:

And when he faced that, his expectation was that you would stop what you were

Rebecca:

doing send money, which he didn't send, send time and, and show consideration

Rebecca:

that, that you didn't receive at a much more vulnerable part of your lifetime.

Cecilia:

Yeah.

Cecilia:

And for many years, like I said, I lived in this like how dare he, like he has

Cecilia:

no rights to ask for anything of us.

Cecilia:

But like I said, I think through my own compassion I was able to extend some of

Cecilia:

that and I wanted his last chapter to be a li a more meaningful relationship

Cecilia:

than all the bridges he had burned.

Cecilia:

And that's something I took on a willing heart and with no expectations

Cecilia:

of my siblings giving anything.

Cecilia:

And it was stressful, you know, because, He's there, I'm having to sort of

Cecilia:

coach him, you know, through his own, you know, struggles this, this through

Cecilia:

the process of cancer and dying.

Cecilia:

And then my own struggles where he'd like trigger me, like sometimes he

Cecilia:

wouldn't wanna talk to me and it just felt like he's like re abandoning me.

Cecilia:

So it was very painful for on many levels.

Cecilia:

And then also like the cultural dynamics of like family saying

Cecilia:

like, you should be there.

Cecilia:

You should drop your career and go to Peru and take care of him.

Cecilia:

So I was thankful I had coaching in that time because I was able

Cecilia:

to say, okay, message noted.

Cecilia:

I don't believe that I'm gonna let it go.

Rebecca:

How did you do that?

Rebecca:

I know it sounds easy the way you just said it, but it's not as far,

Rebecca:

like, I shouldn't say it like that.

Rebecca:

Many, many, many professional women go through that pressure from their family.

Rebecca:

And you talked about having coaching and boundaries, but what was the

Rebecca:

work there like, what did, what did your brain say that helped sort of

Rebecca:

refute that, that cultural pressure?

Cecilia:

I think it was, you know, I, through this journey of the hero's

Cecilia:

journey, it's like I have my back first.

Cecilia:

Like for me to care for everyone else, I have to take care of me.

Cecilia:

And I knew for me it was preserving my little family, keeping my job, and

Cecilia:

dad was at a distance just because.

Cecilia:

I felt like that was the only way I could maintain it.

Cecilia:

I think he had disappointed me so many times before and I just

Cecilia:

finally was like, that's it.

Cecilia:

Like you are not gonna come into my immediate home.

Cecilia:

Because A, I don't think he was the, of the character of people I wanted

Cecilia:

to be around my family, but B, like there was a lot of pain there and I

Cecilia:

just felt from my own integrity and.

Cecilia:

Future longevity and relationship that I had to like, have an absolute

Cecilia:

boundary of protecting my own self.

Rebecca:

And did your husband support that as well?

Rebecca:

Was he on the same page?

Rebecca:

Yes.

Cecilia:

Yeah, that's, that's he said, I mean, he did say if you, you need

Cecilia:

him to come, we'll figure it out.

Cecilia:

But I was very much of the idea that I, we had to preserve this, this unit, and.

Cecilia:

I wasn't willing to allow for that for now our family to be unburdened

Cecilia:

by caring for him, and we would not have been able to maintain the level

Cecilia:

of care that we could provide in Peru.

Rebecca:

Right, right.

Rebecca:

So it never really entered your mind that you'd be a personal

Rebecca:

caregiver for him bathing no.

Rebecca:

You know, dressing that kind of stuff.

Rebecca:

So your brain went about figuring out how you could support a better

Rebecca:

version of the last years of his life.

Rebecca:

And that it sounds like, and I know I've asked you this before, but it sounds

Rebecca:

like that was a core belief that you just wanted him to have a different ending

Rebecca:

to his life because he was your father.

Cecilia:

Yes.

Cecilia:

Not necessarily, and

Rebecca:

I felt,

Cecilia:

sorry, go ahead.

Cecilia:

No, and I felt like, just like I had this broken inner child, he

Cecilia:

had this also broken inner child and that he had made a lot of

Cecilia:

mistakes, but at his core there was.

Cecilia:

A kid that never had a foundation of love, and so how could he then love others in a

Cecilia:

different way when he was so traumatized.

Rebecca:

So it sounds like it was an opportunity to, for you to express love

Rebecca:

to someone you had felt, did not know how to reciprocate that, but that that

Rebecca:

was okay because you had a mindset that.

Rebecca:

That this was what was right for you, but with some boundaries in place.

Rebecca:

And you said something earlier that I think is important, which is that your

Rebecca:

brothers didn't go to the funeral, but that you didn't ju judge them.

Rebecca:

That everybody had a different journey.

Rebecca:

And I think that's really important cuz I think when we talk about this

Rebecca:

topic, I always worry, we're gonna fall into this, you know, you should or you

Rebecca:

shouldn't, or this is the right thing.

Rebecca:

Or look how this person did this, you should do that.

Rebecca:

And that's not really what this is about.

Rebecca:

This is.

Rebecca:

Finding what's true and authentic for you, whatever that, whatever

Rebecca:

boundaries that is, whatever and liking your reasons for it, right?

Rebecca:

So it's not, well I'm doing this so that, you know, my aunt thinks I'm a

Rebecca:

great daughter, or something like that.

Rebecca:

Like, I wouldn't necessarily think that's a good reason for myself.

Rebecca:

So how do you manage your thoughts about people who would make a different decision

Rebecca:

that would be in that same situation and say you know, that's not right for me.

Rebecca:

I have to cut off communication and whatever happens, happens

Rebecca:

and, and that kind of thing.

Cecilia:

I mean, I'm very respectful of people's own journeys.

Cecilia:

I do tell people my journey of how I healed that relationship, but

Cecilia:

it's never with the thought that I'm gonna like influence them.

Cecilia:

I think I lived in that like cutoff and be gone for so long.

Cecilia:

But it was like a heavy, for my own like spirit, I always felt like this heaviness

Cecilia:

burden on me, and it just feels like much lighter and freer when I'm like

Cecilia:

letting go of things that I used to carry.

Cecilia:

And now it's like not part of my journey anymore.

Cecilia:

But I have a lot of like compassion for what people have gone through.

Cecilia:

So, I am very respectful of people.

Cecilia:

If they're open to hearing another perspective, then, you know, obviously

Cecilia:

I would share a little bit more about what, how it transpired for me.

Cecilia:

But I think, like you said, one point you have to live for your own intention, your

Cecilia:

own values, regardless of how other people perceive it or believe their own beliefs.

Cecilia:

At the end of the day, we have one life to live and we wanna live it with our

Cecilia:

own integrity and values and with the intentionality of our heart and spirit.

Cecilia:

And that's sort of my journey that I definitely fulfilled that.

Rebecca:

And when did he end up passing away?

Rebecca:

He

Cecilia:

passed away in

Rebecca:

December.

Rebecca:

Oh, just so, just recently

Cecilia:

then?

Cecilia:

Mm-hmm.

Cecilia:

Interesting.

Cecilia:

And I traveled for the funeral in It was in Peru.

Cecilia:

Mm-hmm.

Cecilia:

I knew he was imminently passing.

Cecilia:

He was like in liver and renal failure, and I kind of hedged, do I

Cecilia:

go to be there in that last moment.

Cecilia:

But I decided that I wasn't gonna go until he passed because it was also covid times.

Cecilia:

And there had been delays with like even getting a funeral arranged

Cecilia:

and, you know, Part of that was like the belief of like my patience

Cecilia:

and the incoming units at work.

Cecilia:

But I decided I was with him on like a virtual call.

Cecilia:

I think he was basically not quite very agonal, but still somewhat

Cecilia:

responsive, but not verbal.

Cecilia:

And I was able to tell him I loved him in that moment and.

Cecilia:

I did see his eyes open and he gasped, and I, I felt like he heard that message

Cecilia:

and to me that was like, beautiful.

Rebecca:

And thank you for sharing it.

Rebecca:

I know these are very personal things to talk about and I appreciate

Rebecca:

your, your willingness to be open.

Rebecca:

Your mom, how did your mom experience all of this?

Rebecca:

It sounds like she got pulled in at some point and has, has that changed

Rebecca:

your relationship with your mom?

Rebecca:

Is she.

Rebecca:

I mean, it's kind of a, I dunno if it's a precedent or not, but

Rebecca:

if, if she was to need help, like what's that relationship like?

Rebecca:

Or how do you think about her?

Cecilia:

Oh, my mom is like my hero.

Cecilia:

I look at her like, I don't know if I, I mean maybe I could, but this man

Cecilia:

who left us with my children and moved on another family and to take him

Cecilia:

on and his like, Most critical hour.

Cecilia:

I think she has like the biggest heart.

Cecilia:

And he was definitely very triggering for her.

Cecilia:

But I, I also took her on as like a pseudo client because she was going

Cecilia:

through all her own issues with his expectations of her, even though she

Cecilia:

wasn't his wife and the expectations of the family to take him on.

Cecilia:

But I just see her journey as she stepped forward despite all the.

Cecilia:

Terrible things he had done to her and she forgave him and she flew

Cecilia:

with me to the funeral and gave this great speech about all the positive.

Cecilia:

He was like, he helped them immigrate outta the country.

Cecilia:

He always, when she felt like she didn't have certain skillsets,

Cecilia:

he was like, you can do anything.

Cecilia:

So in those moments when they were together, He always was like, it

Cecilia:

doesn't matter the circumstance.

Cecilia:

You, you can do it, power through.

Cecilia:

He was, had a lot of like positive attributes and I, I didn't know that

Cecilia:

so much about him, so it was nice to hear in that, in the funeral, like

Cecilia:

how she sort of came to terms with him and, and wanted his legacy to be left.

Cecilia:

And then she played a, a song by Pedro Infantis.

Cecilia:

Which is I'll always be the king.

Cecilia:

And it's like his, him writing out in like this as a strong

Cecilia:

individual who left all these gifts.

Cecilia:

And what's interesting is I was surprised when we were burying him.

Cecilia:

She committed to coming back a year later.

Cecilia:

So she's almost like, Taking on sort of the role of a wife, even though she's like

Cecilia:

the ex-wife and I haven't delved into her if like, that's what you really want or is

Cecilia:

this some pressure from like, expectation?

Cecilia:

But she told me recently that she's like bought her plane ticket and

Cecilia:

she's gonna go do like the first year anniversary ceremony down there.

Cecilia:

But I, I think that she's just, I just admire that strength.

Rebecca:

So, so one thing I wanted to go back and, and just sort of point out and

Rebecca:

talk about is he didn't have to change for you to have a different experience.

Rebecca:

You changed your mindset, you did some questioning, some curiosity.

Rebecca:

You got clear on what you wanted, which is varies for.

Rebecca:

You know, different people and then you executed it.

Rebecca:

But the most important thing I think you said was you did it freely and

Rebecca:

without resentment and it would be hard, I would think, to get the

Rebecca:

end to the end of someone's life.

Rebecca:

Knowing what you went through and not feel resentment.

Rebecca:

Would you, do you do, was that an, an emotion you were able to,

Rebecca:

to get, get out of the equation?

Rebecca:

Yeah, I.

Cecilia:

I did a lot of journaling.

Cecilia:

I have had hours of coaching.

Cecilia:

I've, I think I've processed that emotion and it still comes up for

Cecilia:

me at times when I talk to people and they say, oh, my dad passed.

Cecilia:

I got this chunk of money.

Cecilia:

I got this house.

Cecilia:

And like I look at my life and I'm like, thankful I haven't

Cecilia:

had this successful career, but.

Cecilia:

I've gotten nothing.

Cecilia:

In fact, I think I took care of him.

Cecilia:

I'm gonna take care of my mom.

Cecilia:

And so it does come up at times the resentment of like, why

Cecilia:

couldn't life be different?

Cecilia:

And looking at, hi my uncle's family.

Cecilia:

I get, you know, activated sometimes because, you know, I'd see how

Cecilia:

close they are and like, I'm like, they were in the same household.

Cecilia:

Like how, how is this possible?

Cecilia:

But, I think when those emotions come up, we teach in coaching

Cecilia:

about processing emotion.

Cecilia:

I, I allow that feeling to come on and I notice it with curiosity.

Cecilia:

Where is it in my body?

Cecilia:

I, I, I debrief through it.

Cecilia:

Sometimes I do have to journal of like, what are the thoughts

Cecilia:

that are fueling this?

Cecilia:

And then from there I can like, analyze it from more of a, a distant perspective.

Cecilia:

And say, oh, I just got activated because of what I was thinking.

Cecilia:

But then I can sort of have choice of like, do I wanna stay stuck in this or do

Cecilia:

I wanna like believe something different?

Cecilia:

And so I have a lot of compassion for that little kid who does feel resentful

Cecilia:

and that part of me that comes up.

Rebecca:

I'm glad you said that because I think there's a misconception

Rebecca:

that that doing therapy or coaching or counseling is a magic bullet.

Rebecca:

And then once you've sort of conquered it, then it never comes back.

Rebecca:

And, and the truth is these are brain patterns and mindset is much more about

Rebecca:

management of the patterns and the tools to get around them and not some

Rebecca:

promise that, that this will never come up again and you'll never feel like.

Rebecca:

Watching a family on Father's Day is not, you know, difficult or something.

Rebecca:

And the, the objective would not necessarily be that.

Rebecca:

It would be that these are, these might come up again or they will come up again.

Rebecca:

And here are the tools I have to, to get through them.

Rebecca:

So that said tell me a little bit more about what you do, what you're

Rebecca:

coaching business looks like these days.

Rebecca:

What are you focusing on?

Cecilia:

Yeah, so currently I'm focusing a lot on the mind gut connection.

Cecilia:

And my day job, I'm a gastroenterologist and I just see, you know, the patients

Cecilia:

that come in with the chronic abdominal pain, they've had the full workup and it's

Cecilia:

like we can't sort of find an etiology.

Cecilia:

And so I try to give little tools in the office about.

Cecilia:

How sometimes these are unprocessed emotions or sensations or they're

Cecilia:

messages from our body that something's out of balance, whether that's our

Cecilia:

diet, our sleep, self-care boundaries.

Cecilia:

And so unfortunately, like I said, the confines of the medical system,

Cecilia:

you can't really delve too deep.

Cecilia:

So what I want to build with my coaching and I'm doing is helping people

Cecilia:

have resources because I feel like.

Cecilia:

Almost everyone's dealing with chronic stress and trauma, whether you know it

Cecilia:

or not, especially after covid, we've all been through significant trauma.

Cecilia:

However that looks for people.

Cecilia:

They may not recognize that language.

Cecilia:

But what happens with these stressors and trauma is that energy

Cecilia:

gets embedded in our tissues.

Cecilia:

Then, unless we discharge that through movement, play,

Cecilia:

laughter, connection, et cetera.

Cecilia:

It sort of just piles on and it manifests in us being like angry and

Cecilia:

frustrated and shamed and overwhelmed in addition to like manifesting at

Cecilia:

like in on medical conditions, right?

Cecilia:

Our sugar gets outta whack.

Cecilia:

We gain weight.

Cecilia:

Sometimes these are patterns like you said, where I don't wanna deal with an

Cecilia:

emotion and so I choose to go for food or a drink to kind of manage that emotion.

Cecilia:

And so, I want people to learn that your toolkit is very unique to you,

Cecilia:

but knowing what are the things that activate you and how can you manage

Cecilia:

that to serve you for overall wellbeing?

Cecilia:

So my niche is more the gut, like people who are dealing with a lot of like

Cecilia:

chronic gut issues, irritable bowel, like constipation, reflux, fatty liver.

Cecilia:

But as you know, you dive into one subject and then you heal from one, and then you

Cecilia:

realize, well, I can apply this to like my father and my sibling and my children.

Cecilia:

And so I think my whole like future aspect for people is helping to build community.

Cecilia:

And I would love to have this membership in the fall where,

Cecilia:

We sort of lean on each other.

Cecilia:

We learn about different resourcing, like for example, grounding, right when we're

Cecilia:

in the midst of a stressful situation, really getting out of the thoughts of our

Cecilia:

head and really being present, feeling the ground cuz that's how you short circuit

Cecilia:

that like surge of like stress and trauma.

Cecilia:

And sometimes you don't even have the words of something just activated you.

Cecilia:

And for you to function in the world and not like go off on your boss or throw

Cecilia:

a tantrum or hit your child, right?

Cecilia:

It's like we have to, we have to embody what we want to be and,

Cecilia:

but you have to learn to pause and see what your own priorities are.

Cecilia:

And these are things we've just never been taught.

Cecilia:

And now that I have this knowledge, my own experiences, I feel like

Cecilia:

I'm like the perfect person to help people through this next chapter.

Cecilia:

Oh, awesome.

Rebecca:

And, and where could they find you if they wanted to reach out?

Cecilia:

So I'm at my name, so www cecilia manano md.com.

Rebecca:

Awesome.

Rebecca:

And I'll put, I'll definitely put that in the show notes.

Rebecca:

I think this was a really, really good deep discussion and I just appreciate

Rebecca:

you being willing to come talk about it.

Rebecca:

I think, like I said, it's gonna help a lot of people and I just very

Rebecca:

much enjoyed listening to your story.

Cecilia:

Yes.

Cecilia:

And I just wanna tell people everybody's journey looks different.

Cecilia:

It took many years.

Cecilia:

Don't think I like the next day woke up to like love on my father, right?

Cecilia:

It took me going through my own journey of healing that then I

Cecilia:

was able to extend to others.

Cecilia:

And however it looks like for you is okay.

Cecilia:

Don't feel any expectations, but I would have you pause and just

Cecilia:

see what is it that you want and live your life intentionally.

Rebecca:

That's beautiful.

Rebecca:

I couldn't have ended it any better.

Rebecca:

Austin, thank you so much.

Rebecca:

It was so nice to meet you.

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Rebecca Tapia